February is the Cruelest

February always came the cruelest,
-you'd let me press you to my chest
coming in from the cold, or
on an avenue off Main Street, after lunch,
as I was your closest confidant, you'd let me--
if only to make me happy,

You had your girlfriends, who you adored,
and of course Danny- but he was gay,
and he'd never try to caress your back
beneath your sweater,
but I'd known you since we were four,
so when I told you
how I didn't like your skin tanned in winter,
you remained a French-Irish pale
for those dark months,
and ignored the other girls' remarks,

I always took you to school,
but I'd still brush your car off in the morning,
I had always taken you to school,
in kindergarten we told the teacher I was your brother--
so we wouldn't be parted, and she believed us,
until she asked your mother,
"Oh no, 'though they're just about that,
he protects her."
so she left us alone,
because we were so frightened
those first few weeks,

I'd find you in the fine arts library
in the afternoon,
and you were always wearing a scarf to stay warm,
but it kept out my kisses,
so I'd stroke your fingers instead,
and you'd continue to read a magazine,
or article--for a few more minutes,
before we'd go to the plaza
for tea or sometimes coffee,

Friday you'd have me take you
to a girlfriend's party,
and I drank very little,
but you liked to get so tipsy
because you wanted to have the best time
of anyone,
and you'd be so silly--
but you'd get bored and have me take you home,
and tell me you wanted to watch a movie,
but you'd kiss my cheek
and tell me you loved me the best,
and you'd talk and whisper and giggle,
so I'd have to watch you,
it wasn't as fun- tickling your thigh
under your skirt, and tracing your hip,
when you were that smashed,

So I'd put you under your covers,
and I knew you naked--
since we'd known each other naked
and had seen every knew development in the other,
-I remember when my mother had almost lost it
when she saw me petting your bare stomach
and you licking my cheek,
I told her we were playing 'kitties',
but when she took you home
I thought I might not see you again,
but it wasn't so long after
that your parents split,
and that summer you stayed over almost every night
sharing my pillow, and crying,

When we were older and you showed me how you bled,
I was frightened and wanted it to stop,
but you laughed at me
and said I didn't know very much,
and when I showed you how I had hair
under my arms,
you didn't like it, and said I should shave them,
but I didn't know how,
so you did and cut me deep,
and my father found us,
-and we had a long talk that night,

You'd only kiss my mouth on a holiday,
so when you'd ask me what I'd like,
it'd always be a kiss for my birthday,
and you'd make the memory last,
because it didn't seem like much to you,
so you'd slip your tongue between my lips,
and for minutes I'd have you,

I'd have you the longest to myself
in the summer,
in your pool, we'd play,
you'd peck my slick chin,
and let my hands roam
over your smooth skin,
but we couldn't go on a date,

You didn't like to date,
You never wanted a boyfriend,
you'd cheat, we'd cheat- they were my friends too,
and when I thought I'd lost you to them,
you'd have me in your room, and undress
and I'd have you and hope it was for good,
but you didn't want a boyfriend,

Even on your first, we cheated,
before you slept with him,
you had me- to make sure
you could toss him,

But I dreamt of keeping you,
and I wasn't a child, and I knew you,
so I kept your sister, and she loved me,
and I had a likeness of you,
but she'd always been a good girl,
and never played our naughty games,
she never teased other kids
or laughed at the bad things,

So when she asked you how to keep me,
you told her that for me to love her,
she'd have to sleep with me,
-because you were jealous,
and wanted to hurt her,
and you figured that would bring her pain,
because she'd always been so pure,
but she gave herself wholly,
and became my lover,
and you were furious,
because we were happy,
and I just might forget you,

When she went to visit your father,
you came to me every night,
and asked me if I still lived for you,
and I told you how we'd hurt your sister,
but you'd press yourself to me in my bed,
late at night in the pool,
and try to join me in the shower,
I tried to be true to your sister,
but I thought I might have you,
so I slept with you again and again,
and it was ok, because I knew I was in love,

When we told your sister,
she was destroyed,
we had betrayed friends before,
but never family, and I was ashamed,
and I knew you loved your sister,
but I didn't understand
how you could let her be so hurt,
and you told her
that it was because- I'd always been yours,
that she never really had me,
so she hadn't lost much,

And I thought you sickening,
and your body became repulsive--
where it had always been so attracting,
and when you came to me
I didn't feel friendship any longer,
and never again could I find her whom I'd loved.