For Elena

I’m not certain what I wanted
from you
then.
A dozen years gone,
I’m not any clearer
now.
I can still see you, that morning,
eyes puffy from crying,
and how ashamed I’d felt of
my own fear,
how I’d left you
there, in that place,
as I slept,
knowing you watched me and felt
torment.
I remember the first letter
that came
after I was gone,
and the unnecessary apologies
that came with it.
You were never to blame.
I couldn’t claim my feelings for you
then.
Doubt still I could claim them
now.
But with a dozen years gone by
and a dozen hundred miles
between us,
I no longer know where to mail
my own
unnecessary apology.