- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Forbidden love
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I’m not allowed to love you, I can’t help that I do
You’re not allowed to care for me, and yet I know you do
I can’t even say, "I love you" for fear you’ll walk away
You can’t tell me that you care, for fear I’ll want to stay
You offer a dear friendship, In turn I make you cry
You know I'll keep on hoping, I know you can't, and why
I love to look into your eyes, but you turn and look away
You know I'll always love you, I'm falling more each day
I think you know sweet Sarah, you captivate my heart
I'm hoping you will understand, and pray we never part
- COMMENTS
vrosej10over 13 years agoYour got an 80 from me. Please take this in the spirit that it was intended; helpful adivse that you can choose to take or ignore.
I read through your other poems. I love the dreamy/bikini rhyme in Tropical Love. That was clever, but it general, if you are going for obvious rhymes, like you tend to, move them to middle of the line. It makes them stick out less and you still get the unity of the rhyme. Watch the cliches and be careful handling feelings. The old writer's adage about showing rather than telling is especially important when dealing with abstract. All this could have been said about me when I started here and I kept plodding at it and got better. You can too.
twelveooneover 13 years agohyper; this is strange line length. I'm glad to see the caesura. My advice shorten it, forget rhyme for now, rhyme most often kills.
BTW you got 100, but that was for the caesuras
