Foretelling

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Remec
Remec
14 Followers

There's an opening in my heart to let;
where lay many soft, silky petals;
prophetically torn, are allowed to fall

wherever gravity let's them fall;
It's a wonder that I even let
my fate (future?) be told by petals;

Sometimes, though, it would seem that petals
know more than I about who would fall
with me over the precipice...so I let...

I let the petals fall; she loves me.

Remec
Remec
14 Followers
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5 Comments
RemecRemecabout 10 years agoAuthor
Thanks for the feedback

The 'are' is there pretty much just to keep the syllable count correct. The use of semicolons was something I was taught ages ago (and may need to be unlearned). When you want a lengthier pause then a comma but don't want the full end-stop that a period would signify, use a semicolon. If you don't use punctuation at all, you default to dropping to the next line, and sometimes enjambment is not the goal. (Of course, there are times when letting the punctuation off makes the reader have to decide on what flow they want to follow.)

todski28todski28about 10 years ago
I really enjoyed

The way you twisted the cliche around into prophetic foretelling, agree with gm regarding the word are, don't know if you needed it for the form?

greenmountaineergreenmountaineerabout 10 years ago

I'm dense this morning. I didn't catch the "loves me/loves me not" until reading ash's comment, which then made me smile; the delightful ending says so much.

I agree with butters about the semi-colons, particulary in lines 2 & 3. I would also delete "are" in line 3.

buttersbuttersabout 10 years ago
ahhh

a poignancy to this, and a wistful hope...

enjoyed reading it, and didn't even notice the form on first reading as i was seeing the visuals and feeling the tones.

question the use of the semis but not the line breaks - they create the stop-start plucking/dropping action of the petals being pulled then allowed to fall where they will.

Ashesh9Ashesh9about 10 years ago
She looooves me .......

She loves me not ..........5-ed [ but we love thee !!}