Gentle Man

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Courtesy is a way to more than a heart
109 words
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sanishen
sanishen
17 Followers

Be gentle on yourself, the man explains;
And I'll be gentle too and will insert
My tender, loving thoughts: each one restrains
All stronger hints of passion: they're inert
For now; but, given time, will build to fill
An ocean slowly with ideas that float
Between us, flowing; since these seas are still
Relentless, let the tides just rock your boat
And tip you in my arms, that I extend,
Awaiting your acceptance of the fact,
That I am here to nourish and befriend,
And to make love in time; if that sweet act
Is something you'll admit to, your moist temple
Will open, he professes, while I'm gentle.

sanishen
sanishen
17 Followers
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  • COMMENTS
2 Comments
Senna JawaSenna Jawaover 6 years ago
the Art of Words

Natasha, I'll write this one more comment and after this I will leave you alone :) (of course, you may remove my comment, as you know well).

The poem has it's so-to-speak psychological mood. Nice.

L2-3, "...insert...thoughts" (insert where to?). Readers will expect inserting something else, not thoughts. Many authors and readers like such tricks, consider them "poetic". I feel that this is cheap. Each poetry phrase should keep readers on the toes (it doesn't necessarily have to shock). But phrases have to be honest, they truly should have their (unexpected) value, phrases should not be tricks.

L2-3 "...inserts...restrain..."--this makes knots on a reader's thoughtful brain (and you don't want other readers, right?). In other words, we get logical kogel mogel or mumbo jumbo.

L4: "stronger hints"--an unearned sophistication (unearned because not achieved via senses).

L5-6: "build...ocean...with ideas"--c'mon! (this is not poetry; John McEnroe would say: you can't be serious!).

L7: "these ideas"--a poet should do better than this. Also "are" wastes here poetic energy.

L8: "Relentless...tides"--you'r not keeping your readers on their toes;

L8: "tides just rock your boat"--ditto. Also "rock your boat" is a cliche (ditto square).

L10. "acceptance of the fact"--of what?! That's not poetry.

L12: "to make love in time"--too much explaining. Make phrases smell, sound, ... (and again, you're not keeping your reader on their toes)

L12-13"...your moist temple / Will open"--ditto about toes.

That's all, no more torturing, best regards -- S.J.

greenmountaineergreenmountaineerover 6 years ago

Beautiful; skillful; entices the imagination.

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