- Erotic Poetry
- Goddess of Silver Clouds
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An ashen cloud of thick smoke
Floats around her like a cloak --
Her head crowned, a queen of old,
Her shrine’s silver pales the gold --
The smoke seeping from her lips
Plays a song of tender whips --
Fluttering the darkened room,
O wet wings of lust and fume --
Her breath dances in the air,
A moist scent of sweet despair --
Lighting the cloud with her eyes,
Sorrow, pain, and moaning cries --
Her tender dew in the cloud
Emits sparks, a starry shroud --
The smoke gasps for her bare skin
A sighing hum, drunken sin --
Slides the moon on her full lips,
Glows the cloud as white wine drips --
Sways she her hips and the night
Shudders in deep, deep delight --
Her breasts filled with desire
Burst rivers of pure fire --
The smoke slowly on her lips
Down slides to her slender hips --
The garden opens her gate
Streams a woe, a joy elate --
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 13 years agowas an overgenerous 4. It is overgenerous, because the rhyme is forced as UYS said. The words are cliched. You can accept this as honest criticism or not. What you are doing is trying to do is write "poetry". Don't. Write and then make it poetry, with this I see clouds, the clouds are just drifting around in exaggerated scenery. Ask yourself what are the clouds there for, what are they supposed to do? As they are now, they have totally taken over the story, because I can't find one. You have two options, either tell a story, which is easier than the second option, continue with the scenery route, but that will take many years of skill and practice and avoidance of what you think sounds "poetic".
Best.
UnderYourSpellabout 13 years agogoodness me you've forced in a lot of words there for the sake of the rhyme, which doesn't work just makes it sound like 'Yoda speak' .
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i.e 'Slides the moon on her full lips'
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'Sways she her hips and the night'
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'Down slides to her slender hips --'
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If a rhyme has to be forced in find another that works properly
