Good Evening - Revel In The Madness

Good Evening, I have been inspired to write
That of which is not known to me at this time
I am assured that something will become something
Some things are meant to last forever
Clearly this is not one of those moments

I ponder and reflect upon my life at this stage
Wondering if this is all it is meant to be
I am not asking for death defying acts
Nor a look upon the wild side of life
Just random bursts of normality

Mortality in action away from the past
Away from the cloak of instability that
Seems to consume us all
I wish to shift from the everyday
Become noticed even be understood

Most are envious for what I have
For what I have strived for all my life
But all that is materialistic due to hard work
It does not buy you love or a lover’s affection
Or the sense of being needed and wanted
Nor does it bring companionship

I miss my friends and their camaraderie
I miss going to the movies and running carefree on the beach
Throwing popcorn missiles at the lady with the big hair
Although M&M’s work wonders too
Or the gentleman whose head happens to block the action
With the sand between my toes and basically all over me!
The sea-salt air rejuvenating my senses

I miss supermarket shopping, cart races up and down the aisles
Receiving dirty looks from the poor people at check-out
Them wondering what planet I am from
Twelve items or less, but I have thirteen
Give me the extra half…pleeeeease. I really need the gum
It is only a little stick of gum smirks and threatens to call management
Would you like your receipt? Hell Yeah! Does an evil grin.

I miss go kart racing and kicking everyone’s butt
Or shooting people in laser force,
It is a gun with laser beams and you hit people and score points!
YOUR ASS IS GRASS! Seemed to work well for me as a good battle cry!
Or ice cream afterwards and flicking little chocolate chips at eachother
Wondering how to get the attention of that cute ice cream guy at the counter
One scoop or two madam? That depends on what you are doing Friday night?
Have you ever drank pure warm chocolate fudge through a straw…yummy
Cursing the gods when you aren’t quick enough and it hardens
Then you pull out a fudgey chocolate stick and then ask for their forgiveness
Looks at whoever is still reading this poem and giggles I am mad! I am mad!
Wipes her chin as chocolate fudge sneakily misses its mark.

Going to McDonalds, and sitting on the bench where a life sized plastic
Ronald McDonald is sitting with his leg crossed and a stupid grin on his face
Hell I jumped right in his lap, look at me girls. Giggles.
I know what I want for Christmas Ronnie,
A life time supply of those adorable McDonald’s cookies…yummy
Dips them in chocolate fudge, left overs from the ice cream store.
It happened I tell you, giggles and continues the story…

I miss lying in the arms of close friends watching the sun set
Or the moon rise, wandering in her grace and beauty on clear starlit nights
I miss road trips, filling the car with friends and bags and fun
Going wherever the road takes us
Watching the boys do burnouts or working on their cars on summer nights
Helping to wash their cars and ‘accidentally’ spraying the boys, then get attacked by tickles
Noooo! Get away! Screaming like it was murder. Even their dogs took cover.

I miss high school English, believe it or not, reading Macbeth
Learning the art of writing and prose
Brooding over the interpretations of Shakespeare’s works in Literature.
Wondering in amazement in the studies and figure that is Galileo
Angry at good female friend back then being Andrea in the play, of Galileo,
Then my realising he was a guy, laughing stupidly in the middle of class!
Wait! Andrea is a guy? Whoa…remembers reading ahead…ahhh…I see.
Well you can have Andrea, I’ll settle for Little Monk, he is cool
No other character has three pages of pure lines and the limelight in one hit
Remembers reading it effortlessly then gasping for breath when done

I miss going to the zoo and staring down the gorillas
They get rather feisty you know
I miss getting splashed by the Californian sea lions
Leaning over their enclosure, wanting to feel the spray
Getting told off by family and remembering that I didn’t care!
I miss watching the tigers knowing I can see them
Even though they think I can’t, such beautiful creatures
I miss throwing tantrums every single time we passed the souvenir shop
Demanding someone to buy me a stuffed toy tiger to put on my bed
Unfortunately that wasn’t a battle that I ever won…I still don’t have my tiger.

I miss life for what it was before things got complicated
I miss being the carefree girl I used to be
I miss feeling light hearted and without burden
I miss waking up in the morning and actually wanting to rise
I miss my cat snuggling on me, her rhythmic purring soothing me
Stubborn girl, she chooses when she wants my attention

I miss wrestling with my other uncle’s Alsatian
Always proud that I was the only one who wasn’t afraid
He still protects me fiercely even if it had been months since I played with him
Size of a pony, kind hearted and protective nature…I…need to see him again
Laughing internally while playing with him and someone dares step outside
Putting him on his lead, and him taking ME for a walk
Although he does listen to commands.
Good boy, Andy is a little tired…slow down!
I fall to the ground, he sits next to me, his huge bear like paws in my lap, him looking up at me
Alright Alright, I’ll scratch you between your ears, Good Boy!
When I want to get up he senses it, and deliberately moves more of his body on top of me
Have you ever tickled and wrestled an Alsatian? One the size of a small pony?
That in itself equates to a few hours work in a gym.
Coming back home, covered in drool, and gentle nips, feeling much loved and appreciated.
Looking into his deep brown eyes, and knowing that he loves me
Yes I know it is a dog, but he is really smart, it is as if he just knows…feels.

I remember the past, the good things that always kept me together
I remember the pain and the frustration and the hurt that kept me together
I stand alone even though I may be surrounded by a crowd
For on the outside I am not like them, or anyone who I recall

There was one, a silent musing individual who once bridged that gap
Made me feel real and not some speck of dirt off of one’s boot
Who once long ago used to defend my thoughts allowed me to speak
Mirror them to his own, give them worth and consideration
However irrelevant they seemed to be, even if they were truly nothing
Whom I thought wanted me, for me, not for whom I seemed to be
At that place and time in the world where it all seemed to begin for us…

Why does one always look the other way when another questions their place?
Why is it that power corrupts? If the individual is of pure heart it matters not
If they’re open and willing to make change without malice, subterfuge or intent
This is what matters, this is what makes change, and history for the better.
So that mistakes in the past aren’t relived in our future. Can it be possible?

Why are some so hell bent on removing something that works well?
Ah but then, perhaps their dear leader is in a fantasy world
Where everything that is overseen by them in their eyes is good
When in reality, to their people it is nothing but airs and graces
And a shallow vision of strength and completeness
While their people struggle for a voice
Amid the lies and confusion
The poor conditions and hunger for peace

Yet in the not too recent past, it was murder and mayhem that made history
A change for the better? Some seem to think that this was the way
Perhaps, after centuries of squabble and petty arguments that resulted in war
Which resulted in life changing circumstances for people and countries
Changed a people and many races forever, generations on.
Perhaps the scars and the pains of war between their nations weren’t theirs
First hand but history, no matter how old, lives within the new generation

If you have gotten this far in reading this, I congratulate you
A poem from me in any shape of form was well overdue
Eccentrics of the human mind, little windows into the raging soul
Or that of the trickster and the happy girl I once was
Life has changed me, for the better, I do not know
Perhaps I am not so ignorant anymore, have hardened myself
In ways that I thought were unimaginable or not even considered
The broken heart and wistful dream of love and peace in another
Baited and kept in my place due to fear and ill imposed trust
For this is what I have become, one of the shadows
That is cast by flickering candle light
Hoping that one day, I can be that little flame
Or even better, the holder that keeps that candle in place

I have learnt so many things in my short life
Have memories that I wish to forget
Yet, am thankful that I have them
For I have become stronger
Can you of all people hear me!
I am no longer that wilted rose
I am shining in pure love and radiance
At any time I can kick your butt
Or at least die laughing at the attempt
I can control my emotions and it’s output
Far greater that I ever have before
I am slowly becoming…in tune to myself

Today I felt good this day I was alive
Even though it was masked in sadness and anger
But hey, I controlled it, I aided myself and presto I am good
Turned the anger and pain into something constructive
And now I am feeling as if no one can ever hurt me
I am up to the challenge. Engarde! Does a quick flick of her sword
For once I am in an equal standing to those who shatter life
Not only life in general, but also MY life, funny isn’t it?
Now that I am on the right path and understand my faults and fears
Perhaps now is the time for old lessons to be revisited
And re-learning them, in a new light of enlightenment
Wondering if I am ready for fate to change its course
To stare at me in the face and say, Yes. She is ready.
But then again fate is what you make of your life
You choose your path and set your own destiny
It is usually ones own reluctance and fear that holds them back
Not actual fate itself, so I have learned and observed over time
Of course everyone is entitled to their own options
Merely an observation nothing more or less.

I am shining in my own aura of peace and hope
My sense of self although wayward at times
Is coming to an inevitable end
For I do not know when
Or how or why
But it will
All be
Over

July 4th 2005