- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Greed of the Hollow
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Authors Note: Hello everyone. I'm sorry if any of my fans read this, since I'd hoped to have a new chapter or story to present to you all, however life is always a roller coaster and I'm finding it hard to find time to sit down and write. I hope this at least satisfies your desire, at least a little. Once again these are lyrics I've written for my band, and I would love some feedback. Try to think of them as a metal song. Without further ado, please enjoy:
I've been read and burnt time after time
I've been left for dead and forced to lie
Nothing but a deterrent against my own self destruction
Follow instruction, hollow construction
You have nothing in your eyes
Wallow in hatred, swallow your dying pride
I see more when blind than they all do with eyes open wide
Martyrs made by our rules and dictation
We are demons in our own hearts
Harder the path the further we must go
To make it out alive and let them know...
We will not be thrown aside
It's been said and done once before
It's been tread upon and thrown out the door
Nothing but a primal instinct telling me to destroy it all
Burning at the stake for what I believed
Turning to the side to hide all of my greed
Blackened skies watch with open eyes
To see all who disobey
- COMMENTS
Magnetronalmost 10 years agoAlso ..... I know, I know .... STFU already Magnetron ......
'I/me' is greedy per the final verse, the hollow are greedy as per the title - yet 'I/me' is addressing 'you' as the hollow in the second verse.
It is all too confusing.
Remove the doubt and confusion by establishing who all the parties involved are and what their relationship with one another is.
Magnetronalmost 10 years agoLike your other lyric, this crit is meant to get you to view your song through the eyes of listeners who wants more than just the music.
The focus of it is too fractured to follow what is going on.
Starts with 'I'
Turns to 'you'
Detours to 'they'
Morphs into 'our' and 'we'
Reverts back to 'them'
Then back to 'I and 'me'
Finishes with 'skies' as some kind of entity independent of everyone already mentioned and seeing 'everyone'.
Now ...... who is setting fire to I/me? Left for dead by who? Forced to lie by who?
2nd verse : one who is hollow with nothing in their eyes is a contradiction to the emotion of hatred and the ego necessary to be full of pride.
What did I/me believe that warrants being burned? What was it about your life that was greedy and why is it relevant?
So many unanswered questions if answered would make the lyrics stronger and thus forceful like metal music.
UnderYourSpellalmost 10 years agoDoesn't say much that hasn't been said before and shouldn't ' been tread upon and thrown out the door' be 'trod upon' etc?
twelveoonealmost 10 years agoit goes in all the right places
that is a sword that cuts both ways
all the right places are cliches
I fived anyway
as for your band, try writing some dread country music lyrics, which would be a hoot in metal
