- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Growing Up
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Click hereWhen we were young,
I was bigger than you.
When we got older, you
Got bigger than me.
I remember a time when you
Would come to me to solve your
Problems. Now, you are
Dealing with your biggest one
Yet and all you do is isolate
Yourself from the only one
Who actually believes that you
Can turn your life around and change.
I remember a time when if
You were hurting I could step
In as your big sister and help the
Hurt away. No you, my big, little brother
Are no where to be seen and are
In a world of hurt. You don’t know how
To deal with it and you don’t seem to
Remember that I was where you are right
Now not too long ago. I got myself through
My tough times when no one else would.
You think that no one helped me is a pile of crap;
Well I can tell you that that isn’t the case.
You think that no one can help you; I can say that
This is just an excuse.
As much as you want to believe that you
Can do this on your own, I think that you can’t
And are just too afraid to let anyone in.
Well, I’m begging you as your older sister, I know
You need and want help. Your next step
Is to admit to me and to everyone else who loves
And cares about you that you do.
Admitting to yourself and to one friend is not enough,
You need to ask for it. Hope isn’t enough any
More. It’s good that you and I still have that
But, it isn’t enough.
I only wish that we hadn’t drifted so far apart.
I only wish that you had stopped the first time.
I only wish that you could come to me, your sister,
For help.
I only wish that I can keep the hope from disappearing
In a torrent of self loathing that I can’t even begin to describe.
I know you’re hurting and doing what you do because
It hurts.
I know how hard it is to stop.
I know I can only hope that we can put our differences
Aside long enough so I can help you out.
You’re all grown up now and there’s nothing
I can do. We don’t even operate on the same
Wavelength any more. I don’t know what to do
But try and be there fore you and hope for the best.
That’s what big sisters are for, right?
- COMMENTS
spacemunkyover 12 years agoAuthori know these are a little rough. i wrote them when i was 19 or 20. im almost 30 now. same with my other submission. i was just transferring from another account. i was thinking of writing some non-erotic but am not sure how to go about it right now
Maria2394over 12 years agoThe advice that Tristesse has offered and run with it. You need to pare this down somewhat. You mention several times that you are the big sister, so assume that your readers got that the first couple of times they read it and work the piece so it is not repeated to the point of being irritating.
You do have some things going for you, I can tell you enjoy writing, but parts of your work are vague, and there are items of punctuation which are unnecessary.
Someone told me once, ( Rybka) about commas, " when in doubt, leave it out."
Also, there are a few places where I think you left off a letter... ie- here, I can only assume that you meant "now"-- not ""No you, my big,"" and " fore" should be "for" ?
Here, you could omit "even" and make the poem stronger. Sometimes, the fewer words the better..
I know you do not know me, ( unless this is an alt name) but I offer these suggestions with nothing in my heart but good intentions and the desire to help you as so many talented people, like Tristesse, helped me when I first joined the poetry board.
One piece pf advice I would offer to anyone who writes poetry or prose, PLEASE read your work aloud before you submit it to be posted. You might be surprised how many mistakes you can catch by listening to your finished product.
One more thing, beginning each line with a cap is not the best way to go. I do realize that some spell check programs reset the poem with caps in editing, but override it and see how a cap verses a lower case can influence the meaning and help or hinder the strength of the line.
Best wishes, and I enjoyed reading your offerings today.
Also, since I am the "volunteer reviewer" I did not vote on the poems I was entrusted with.
Keep writing!!!
~ maria :)
GuiltyPleasureover 12 years ago.....sentiments here but if you simply re-wrote the lines as prose it would read just the same so, not really poetry, more like prose broken into verses.
