I don't love you

I swear to god,
I never loved you.
I swear it on the fact
That you work a pink shirt
And pin striped slacks to your
Brothers graduation, and people
Said you looked gay. But you
Made my heart skip beats that day.

And I swear it on remembering
when I was in 6th grade
We watched the movie Signs
with our family and siblings
and held pinkies innocently
While we laid next to each other that nght
I certainly didn't love you then.

And I swear to you
that I can't love you (at all)
Because your eyes are too blue
And your mouth is too sweet
And you want everything
I used to want with you.
(When I didn't love you.
Like I don't now)

And I really need you
to know that I never loved you
And when you ask how I got the big scar
On my left fore arm
I'll tell you I cut it in barbed wire
Like I've told everyone else.
And I'll never tell you that I
I was so scarred
on the inside,I felt I needed a scar
to match on the outside.
I was only 13
I'll never admit I did this
because I never did.

And I'll never admit that
The reason I cried when you kissed me
At at your home
When I was 14 years old,
it wasn't because you
Bumped My Teeth When You
Drunkenly smothered my lips with yours
But because I loved you so much
And I knew I couldn't have you anymore
It certainly wasn't because of that.

And something I'll never admit
Is why i remember all this, and
How I had to throw out my tear stained
Hoodies.
And how I can't hardly look at you
Without that old feeling.
And how I can't stand knowing
I'll never be yours. I'll never say any of this
Because I can't love you. I never loved you
Because you once broke me.
Even if it was 7 years ago.
You hurt me.
But my god, I fucking love you.
Please don't hate me because
I can't be yours now
. I so wish I could be.