i lie awake

"when it's cold, I lie awake and
I think of your face"

I wanted to paint my face with ashes
and walk through silent graveyards
at midnight, trailing my hands
across headstones
with love in every fingertip
I wanted to be
disconnected half-hearted smiles
I wanted to be in love with death

I WANTED TO PAINT MY FACE WITH ASHES
dark grey except for black around the eyes
streaking down my cheeks,
I wanted to show you my deathface and
have the strength to look you in the eye
just to say
today is a good day to die

I haven't got that red burning courage

"when it's cold, I lie awake and I
think of your face"

I HOWL AT THE SKY
I HOWL AT THE SKY
I
HOWL
AT THE
SKY

And

"when it's cold, I lie
awake and I think of your face"

I wanted to paint my face with ashes

you painted it with my blood
all over the lawn
bleeding for you like it was
all truth
if blood were truth
we'd all fucking be Socrates

and I shake on the lawn
shivering about nothing like cold
I feel like a bomb
went off in my chest
like my ribcage exploded inward
if emotion was a gun
I'd use it on you
without hesitation

pull my heart like a pistol
fire a cold one into your guts
put you out of my misery

there is nothing brand new about this
I am not unique for being fucked up
just maybe for being in love with it


"...and I think of your face."