I Make A Wish.

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Written by jes_da_man:
Friday, Novembr 2, 20001 - 11:48:00 PM.

Please be nice enough to vote or comment on this (or any other, or all) of my stories or poems. It would be truly appreciated.

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The days are long
And the nights eternal.
The longing I have for you,
Could never fit in any journal.

Always. I imagine you
Cuddled in my arms,
With your lips pressed to mine,
Offering me all of your charms.

Why we are apart,
I fully don't understand.
We should be with each other,
Walking through life hand in hand.

I see your words.
I hear your voice.
But I miss your loving touch.
Of that I have no choice.

I try to express,
All my love for you,
In my poems and on the phone,
I tell you all I'd love to do.

But they are not,
And can never be,
The only things I'd ever want.
Being together is all I see.

When I am here,
And you are there,
Often I feel so all alone,
Because, for you I really care.

So, I make a wish
To the Angels above,
That soon we will be together.
So we can share undying love.

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The author would appreciate your feedback.
  • COMMENTS
2 Comments
jes_da_manjes_da_manabout 13 years agoAuthor
Hmmm?

Thank you for your comment twelveoone. It is truly appreciated. However, I'm a bit stumped... I'm not quite sure what you meant by my poem being better without the 'rime'... and about leaving the first four lines and safely chopping the rest of the poem away...

Is that not like offering someone a rib steak... and then only serving them the bone?

I know you must have meant well, but sorry, it just doesn't make any sense.

Sincerely,

jes_da_man

twelveoonetwelveooneabout 13 years ago
*

Pay attention jes.

I gave you a 100. What you have is a pretty good poem, the first four lines. Except it would be better without the rime. The rest can be safely chopped away. Poetry is saying just enough, no more.

For starters.