I never thought i'd say out loud

I’m held back,
Trapped by the insecurity of who I am not being good enough.
I hold myself up to those around me,
And I am lacking.
I don’t know if its because the person I am,
Is being overshadowed by the person I allow people to see.
It’s placed heaviness on my heart,
That’s pulling down on the four corners of my soul.

I do forget sometimes.
I surround myself with loud over zealous personalities
All vying for attention,
It distracts me from the darkness that surrounds my head when I’m alone.
I’ve always wanted what I see around me,
Love. Happiness. Success.
But I’ve been repeatedly told that I don’t deserve it.
Not directly,
It’s in the whispers society.
It’s in the prayers of my community.
I hear it in the words my father says.
I have my own whispers, that society would see the light in love.
I pray that the words I hear my father say would be different if he knew.

Everyday I arise with two options running on repeat in my head.
The first is to run and hide.
To flee to the furthest corner of the World where my name means nothing to other.
To start anew and let my masks finally fall;
The son, the brother, the friend…
And just be me.
Or to face this dilemma with the truth,
Hoping for the best,
But prepared for the worst.
If I run, I may never truly know the truth.
I’ll have to live knowing coming ‘home’ will never really be a homecoming.
However, I don’t know if I have the strength for the truth.
The worst could mean hitting an all time low,
The like of which I don’t think I could rise up from.

I ask for guidance,
I pray for strength,
I seek a light at the end of the tunnel.
But more than anything,
I want reassurance that I’m not in this tunnel alone.