I sit here...

I sit here and wonder if growing up was easier then or harder as it seems now.
Is it just that the times are no longer as laid back or is it that I have grown older?
Too much of whatever seems to cause us to be less of a person and not enough makes us inhuman.
Is it that I have taken in too much and then again not enough of the good times or was it the bad times,
I forget or have I decided it was easier in the long run to forget.

Too much has gone before my vision, some good things, some bad. Learning from both and hoping to remember.
Did I worry more then or now? If then, then how I feel now was scripted into my self image.
If it is now, then I learned it as a mode of preservation.

Did I train my children with these ideas or did they learn by watching me. I feel that they did but on two
different levels. The love of life or the drudgery of day to day living. The ability to persevere and move forward, or to fall back and build a wall to protect the self. One seems to have taken the high road, the other the low road, hopefully they will reconnect with the other.

I ramble as I am at a loss, not for the words but rather for the feelings that I need to express. I am drained but I am alive. I am tired but not in the physical sense. Drama plays its ugly head and I am immediately looking for a place in my mind to hide. I read the fantasy and the fantastical, the history and romance, and I read the daily lies of leadership, which is also fantasy.

I hold many things special but I fail at learning how to let the bad go. My memories are my own, my abilities are what I have made of myself, my life is not over but I am not old nor am I young, I just am. I am as smart as most people and just as unsure of a subject as the next person. But, why then do I continue to research life if it is so hard? Is it a just because or a why not?

I will begin to know when I can see the end, but the end is far away and the light is still burning an even glow. It has been years since when I had only seen the glimmer of the light, now it is brighter and the view is lighter. I seem to be able to read the instructions now, but they are so simple, it can't be that easy, but it is.

Life is a journey. Enjoy. Love. Be aware. Care.