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Click hereThe box in the corner spouts
you and them
and I wonder why
I bother to sit and listen
for your monotone is like the straight green line
and so often you sit statuesque
not hearing, nor touching my body
or soul. You grab my mind
twist it into acrobatic contortions,
an unnatural stance where it bends
in a brutal way like the wooden boards
on an empty wine barrel
as it sits gathering sun rays
in summer. You relate the thoughts
of others, both evil and kind,
and still I listen, wishing
you were not an inanimate object,
wishing I could taste
your thoughts like that first caress
of red wine on the tongue or that first sight
of treasure under the sea. Bands
of steel bind my mind
and I can not move
though I want to run.
that is learning to write poetry...i especially enjoyed your beginning and ending...all you need is structure...thanks.
Not too many poets here, from what I have seen, can pull off stretch poetry (no strophe breaks) convincingly. There are many nice images here:
"it bends
in a brutal way like the wooden boards
on an empty wine barrel"
is especially nice, and
"wishing I could taste
your thoughts like that first caress
of red wine on the tongue"
is a nice followup, though a bit more stock.
there are also some shopworn phrasings (you need to get rid of those), like:
"You grab my mind
twist it into acrobatic contortions"
and
"that first sight
of treasure under the sea"
I also think this particular piece lacks an overall sense of real clarity, but there is no doubt you are doing the right things and walking the right roads with your language.
.....two pair of tenni-shoes standing still thinking about this poem <grin>