- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Impact
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Click hereLife is just an impact
Like waving a wand
and wanting your life
to nonexistent..
It is because of reason
(and reason alone)
that we stand together
naked
and hoping
for
it
to happen
So that we can understand
who made us appear...
do you know that the impact
was once
surrounded by people
waving wands
just like nakedness?
but after life begun...
there is no nakedness
It is sacrificed
for your right
to bleed
- COMMENTS
LeBrozover 18 years agoYet again another promising write;
I'll spare you further editorial suggestions,
You've enough below;
I'm always impressed by saldne's instincts.
Anonymousover 18 years agoInteresting
Love your thoughts
Your endings are brilliant!
Truth....
Suggestions below:
First, be careful of too many "just" words. Just my opinion. I really enjoy you work. :)
It is because of reason
(and reason alone)
that we stand together
naked
and hoping
for
it
to happen
So that we can understand
who made us appear...
Maybe:
It is because of reason
(and reason alone)
that we stand together
naked and hoping
for it to happen
so we can understand (taking out "that")
who made us appear. (period)
(Also, shorter line breaks. It's still powerful!)
do you know that the impact
was once
surrounded by people
waving wands
just like nakedness?
Maybe:
do you know that the impact
was once surrounded by
people waving wands
like nakedness? (tightening it up and not so many line breaks)
but after life begun
there is no nakedness (something doesn't sound right with "is not". I can't put my finger on it. Was no? Ack!
Or
but after life begun
there was none.
It is sacrificed
for your right
to bleed <--excellent!!
Thank you for sharing and write on! :)
