- Erotic Poetry
- In Crowds
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Click hereSaw him in crowds
Breathless I was and he was completely bare
I held him, my fingers passing his lean back and all
I felt his body, so tight above me.
O what I see, what I see,
Only stars,bursting stars.
Met him in throngs
Blinded, muted and with shaking legs
I was down and his long arms followed
Touching, caressing me to whole.
O what I see ,what I see,
Only fires, burning fires.
His brilliant eyes held me among swarms
Darkness rushed and we were all alone
Our lips met and we go drunk in each other
Dazed, dazzled,bewildered
O what I see, what I see,
Only deep, abysmal deep.
Felt his gaze in hordes, so bright
It melted me from head to foot
In my lake played his hot tongue, in my sea bathed he
His fervour drank I, his strength breathed I
O what I see, what I see,
Only the heat, steaming heat!
- COMMENTS
PoetGuyabout 13 years agothat actually is passionate. Poet Guy particularly liked S4, especially the line "In my lake played his hot tongue, in my sea bathed he" which is vivid and a little wild, in a good way.
Well done.
NeonSubtletyabout 13 years agoand that structure isn't frivolous, either. The poem's character is so much more playful because of it. I absolutely loved the first lines of your 3rd and 4th stanzas. You're a cherry-picker with those words. That's why I think you might consider running a few other options for phrases that I think do the otherwise unique wording an injustice.
The "we go drunk in each other" and the gaze "melted me from head to foot" send me into a lull when reading because I've heard them so many times before. The former has a unique wording that even changes how it might be interpreted. But, it still strikes me in the same way as it would with its normal wording. That might just be me.
Either way, it's a wonderful piece.
Maria2394about 13 years agoas to why you avoid the use of pronouns as the first word in verses 1, 2 and 4, but use "his" in 3. Is it so obvious I am blinded? Probably so, I'm sick and maybe I should not be commenting on poems like this.... I do like the poem, especially verse 3 and the end lines are strong in each one. I like the indentation of them.
~ maria
twelveooneabout 13 years ago5 it deserves it, a couple of things I might question, but it looks like stylistic concerns. The pattern is remarkable, word choice is good, i.e. nothing strikes me as being either very bad or very good.
Look forward to more.
