J.W.

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Once upon a time 'ere many a conscious thought
Lay dormant, and fantasy ruled supreme
And thinking of feelings such as mine with you
Was but a dream within a dream
I thought of reality as a simpleton
And everyday was a theif
Stealing away my sanity
But such to my relief

And then I made an utter fool
Of myself and fell for you
Hitting rock bottom never felt so good
As it did when the day was through

And the night belonged to us
The whispers, moans, and soft spoken words
Your sweetness and my bitter
My naivety and your birds

To no one else but us we made sense
But being secretive had it's pros
Even though the cons weigh heavy on my soul
I never felt weak, and low

Demeaning was our time spent
Degrading became my bliss
And everything blended into itself
A pretty picture of nothing more than this:

Phantom touches and sarcastic remark
Lonely nights hazy, dreary, dark
And everything that meant the world to me before
Was suddenly nothing to explore

The barren ground we walked upon
I began to traverse alone
So lost within the darkness that I never saw you there
I never saw you begging to atone

And all the sins were added
All the ballots cast
And silence then erupted
As I tried to forget our past

And then you burst back into colour
More fierce and torrid than before
And all I could think was
"Is it a mistake? Should I be wanting more?"

My simple needs were met
But still I was depressed
Looking back on everything
Desperately grasping for anything

To make the nothing make some sort of sense

But there was no sunshining dawn
Or brightness to find within
You left me leaving and I returned to find YOU cleaving
Your way to the heart I left in the midst of sin

And then I was happy

I began to walk more steadily
More and more confident with you there
For the trust I had misplaced before I felt the truth
Was worth the wear

And threadbare were my strings
And you pulled on every one
I loved it, though - masochist I am
My path had changed but was no longer the lonely one

But now?

Now I find myself a void
A chasm empty yet deep
I can not feel to love or hate
And I'm too numb to weep

I think you took me with you
When you went away this time
But you can keep me if you want me
I don't require much care to shine

So daily I wonder as I wander
Crying inside as I give myself to the nothing herein
This life is just to bleak
For me to live and feel as well as sleep within

And so I can but do one at a time
And sadly feeling isn't much
When all I can think about is you
And in dream I feel your touch

I smile sadly as I remember a few days
Past, when I dreamed of you
I always see it coming
Yet there's nothing I can do

And so here I sit
Wishing I had some word from you
Because I don't know what's going on
And I am so confused

But I can't live like this forever
The numbness spreading through the day
But night becomes you and I'm lost without you
But I can't live a lie to stay

You make me feel as though I'm living a lie either way.

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