Janiece

You should know many strangers will feel uplifted to read this poem as it describes what so many cannot. There is a living connection between those we have loved and lost. After reading this piece, it has personally made my experience unequivocally stronger. Thank you.

lightsaver

After several heart attacks over a five year period, I watched my mother slowly fade away and not I, but others, called in the Morphine Police...the hospice...and when I knew I had to leave, could not watch the end...it was too late to say goodbye as she no longer knew who I was.

A truly moving piece...thanks Trace...well done

amicus

CharleyH,

either do not provide any information of who has died or make it clear right away, from the very beginning (in the first case it wouldn't matter who it was: a friend, a lover, or narrator's mother...--and that would be fine, it's a valid artistic choice). Your text for two (rather extensive) stanzas doesn't tell us who it is, only in the third one. Thus there is an impression of a puzzle or something like this, and that's not good.

It was difficult for you to tell the reader immediately who it was because you have chosen the form of a monolog directed to the departed person. It would be superficial to use a phrase like "you, my mother,...". The feel of a true monolog would be lost. (It'd be like the narrator is looking from the corner of her eye at readers, testing their understanding). Thus there is a difficulty (poetry is not easy).

I actually have spent some time thinking about a solution to this dilemma. I think that instead of a monolitic monolog you could interspace a report and monolog. This way you could introduce the deceased person right away in the introductory part of the report. Then it would give you a chance to switch and to direct the proceeding monolog to that person.

It would also give you a natural chance to write a better poem. By Literotica standards your poem is strong, and I have rated it on the Literotica termometer by such standards. Otherwise I do not feel that this is a good poem. I could list my objections but it'd be a futile effort. Without the whole, big context of Poetry as such all remarks seem equally (un)important and arbitrary. Thus instead of making comments which would apply to many poems, I have decided to restrict myself just to one, peculiar aspect of your poem.

Regards,

Senna Jawa

PS. When someone, as the narrator in your poem, tell us that her mother recently died, and when she shares with us her thoughts and feelings, then we are moved. No wonder that your readers were moved (me too), as witnessed by this thread. You don't even need a poem for that.

Charley, I wish I could have voiced this when mine moved on. I didn't know how, and because of you, a piece of me is resting a little easier! Thank you so much.

Boo

Very nice, Charley; a moving tribute to a piece of you. She would smile if she could read it.