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Click hereKeep you safe
Gently, I move your hair from your face
as my knees rest behind yours.
Fingers interlaced
my face nestle in your neck,
Your breathing getting slower
and deeper.
“You'll make some woman very happy one day...”
I hear,
And I fight with my tears.
For now, my Love,
i will keep you safe.
Sleep well,
my fair maiden.
passion and warmth denotes the beauty of your pen...smiles/bluerains
I don't know what meaning this will have...but after reading something so beautifully written, I am in tears. I don't know why or how your work has moved me so, but it has. I hope you keep writing, for I can see my silent emotion expressed within your words.
Truly.....thank you.
~Kasumi
your words paint a picture in a poetic way, no matter how you rearrange it it says alot about the heart and that you can not change. I enjoyed your write.
Keep on working at it.
At a quick glance, here are a couple things you might do to change this:
"my face nestle in your neck,
Your breathing getting slower
and deeper."
Tighten it up a bit and get the reader ready for what follows:
"my face nestles in your neck,
Your breaths slow and deepen."
Then, change this:
"'You'll make some woman very happy one day...'
I hear,
And I fight with my tears."
Try this - it might give the thought of tears more punch:
"'You'll make some woman very happy one day...'
I hear, as I fight tears."
Just a couple suggestions. Fewer words seem to have greater emotional impact. Play with it some more and see what you think.
Wonderfully written Una. I love this one. Short and sweet and yet powerful.