- Erotic Poetry
- Kohl
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Click hereHer poisoned eyes are viscous; her thighs uncommon fair.
Her little drugged walk and her come on talk
Work like Cleopatra's snare.
Her snaky hips so vicious he longs to pull her hair.
He's a little bit gawk and a little bit stalk,
But he's mostly just despair.
--after vrosej10's poem "She Wants to be Amy Winehouse"
- COMMENTS
buttersover 13 years agobest lines, for me, are your last two here. L3 feels slightly, slightly off.. it's the 'work like' that doesn't sit just right to my way of reading. not the meaning, just the words chosen. even if you dropped 'work' it works better.
think you might add a comma after 'vicious', since my eyes keep telling me one should be there as i read it aloud, or rethink the whole punctuation thing and go entirely minimalist. those periods at the end of each first line feel a little too abrupt.
overall, though, it's sassy, punchy, and i am glad to have read it. :)
Maria2394over 13 years agoI liked it. The rhythm,the way the words sound when read aloud, I like the story. Good work, looking forward to more and wondering if you are an alt, you sound like a "poet guy" with about 10 different names.... whatever the case may be, it's good stuff
twelveooneover 13 years agoI've been hearing alot about kohl in stockings lately.
In the harsh light you can be forgiven for this: "uncommon fair", this is a bit of an audience cue, sort of like those curvy signs that are on roads and in semiotics that let you know a turn is coming up; so it works, but if changed, those 3 lines would be more serious and the next could be more serious. Of course I have not idea what other two rhymes PG would have to come up with to replace gawk/stalk, if he wanted to continue in a more serious...
Great fun, great little six liner, great savoir faire,
