- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Lament For Taxicab # 4
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Click hereI am a ghetto on wheels
Bumping along the arteries
That bring life to the city
Pausing here to discharge a drunk
That the barman will no longer serve
Stopping there to pick up an escort
On her way to a late night appointment
Sidelined while a couple of addicts
Pick up their fix and return to their crib
My seats are stained and smell funny
Of cheap cologne, sweat, and shame
My springs are shot and my tires are bald
I rattle your teeth as I bounce along the road
My engine rattles and my tranny slips
"I'll only fix what makes it go or stop!" shouts the mechanic
My driver hustles me from one call to the next
Flogging me from one end of the city to the other
And back again to try to make a meager profit
While his life passes him by
I am a ghetto on wheels
Bumping along the arteries
That bring life to the city
- COMMENTS
Esperanza_Hidalgoabout 13 years agoI read but now look again and see why others enjoyed. I suppose longer pieces are harder for me to understand so I may not spend time with them. You have potential.
vrosej10about 13 years agoI read this one twice to give it real extra close consideration. It's well done. You are showing not telling mostly. That's half the task. My two pick points (and feel free to ignore me);
1) This needs a vigourous edit. There are places where you could have gotten you message through with half the words. Compression is at its most important in poetry.
2) Euphony. To pull off narrative poetry, there needs to be pretty strong sonic echoes between the lines or it becomes flash fiction (a sin of mine own!).
UnderYourSpellabout 13 years agoA good fun read in it's originality, a couple of rattles too close together but I enjoyed
Maria2394about 13 years agoI left a comment with some suggestions on your poem but it has disappeared even before I posted the one about mentioning your poem in the forum.
Basically what I said was, in line 10, you could delete the word "funny" and then lines 10 and 11 would read-
My seats are stained and smell
Of cheap cologne, sweat, and shame
I thought the idea of the seats smelling of shame was brilliant. I really enjoyed reading your poem today and hope you continue writing. This poem needs a little tweaking but you show some real talent and empathy here.
nice work-
~ maria
if somehow the other comment shows up, please delete one of them if you wish, I won't flip out if you delete my comment, I am not that self- important.
Maria2394about 13 years agoin the new poem recommendations thread. Visit the forum and participate in some of the threads and exercises if you haven't before :)
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=36740963#post36740963
~ maria
