Lament II

You have to take away my control.
I'm too cerebral to get out of my head, sometimes I feel like nothing turns me on.
I want to look at you and feel my pulse rise, feel my cunt grow soft and wet.
You have to own me, chain me.
Force me to feel.
Feel you all over me.
I'd never been touched before not even by myself so is it no wonder I look to you to touch me? Is this the life I thought I would have? Hell no. I am blessed and when I look at you I know this intellectually but do I feel it, deep down in my soul?
I want you to love me.
But not how you are now, I want a burning, fiery love that eats me alive that burns you to the core and makes you beg for my touch, my kiss, my everything.
If there is a soulmate out there then I am lost.
I haven't let you into all the places of my heart simply because I can't or maybe I won't.
You will never see this because this is the real me, the unvarnished truth. I'm the girl in the back of the class who's too smart for her own good, too ugly to be seen, too fat to live. So who will notice me? Who will come and take me away?
I have an escape route, you know I always have and always will. Trust is easy to say and you know you can trust me with everything; your life, your heart, your soul.
You are safe with me.
But I'm not safe with you, am I?
True love is one foot out the door.
True love is saying it to my face as you walk out that door.
I was loved before, a beautiful little whore, that quiet girl in the back.
He touched me and I fought back.
He said I was the only one he loved out of the three and that's when I knew, even when I begged on my hands and knees please, please, please, love her once again and you can beat me.
Just love her, the stupid bitch.
I can take the pain. I'm so strong, I'll live again. And again.
Do you see now?
With your skin pressed to mine, my face in the pillow biding my time as I think unfaithful thoughts.
I never wanted to be bound but I willingly ran to the shackle and I'm confused by it even now.
In my heart, in my soul I ache for this passion that I know is there but I know equally that you cannot give.
I don't write, paint, knit, embroider, all my poetry has left me.
I've never cum.
So what now?
All I ever wanted was someone to take care of me, let down my hair, my burdens, my fears and they could take it all away with a kiss, a touch.
In reality there is only me and these two hands, these two feet to take me away.
So I ask you this; is this love? Is this all there is? A dream, a fleeting vision or is this all bullshit and I'm a bitch throwing away my blessings?
But inside I beg, I plead, I yearn for more.
You have to take away my control.
You have to hold me in your arms and never let me go, you have to set me on fire, build my desire and I would die for you.
But this is just a midnight dream written in the dark.