Legoland

Several of my poems end this way, a variation on the structure of Hopkins “Pied Beauty.”

The last 4 feet are intended to be - ‘/ ‘ ‘ giving it added emphasis.

Obviously it didn’t work you, but I like it. Thanks for the input, and I want you both to know I didn’t dismiss your critiques outright.

The way you say that last verse will make all the difference to a cooling ending and a 'come-on' finish.

If the last line is "Your skin", it should be preceded by "Inside" because you are using your breath to hold your audience. "Inside" is a line on its own. You are setting them up after the line "I'll be kind,"...

On the other hand you could say, This is my poem, get your nose out. You are not me!"

Thanks for your detailed comment, Ellen. There was a time when posts like these were common. I intend to study it at length.

You build up a (relatively) reliable tetrameter line until the last stanza, where it all falls apart. I want to (given your earlier metrical guidance) break the lines something like this: "I’ll be the tinder that kindles the flame / though I’ll be gentle, I’ll be kind / inside

your skin." And something and something to add two stresses.

I once had a teacher who told me (apropos a free verse poem) that I'd messed up my first line because it was iambic, and that that created an expectation in the reader that the poem would continue in that manner. Your poem builds that expectation (of a four beat, at least quasi-iambic line) over the first nine lines, then thwarts it.

The Lego metaphor seems a bit strained to me. The middle lines of the poem are very strong: "with his and her bathroom sinks / and separate cups for Listerine, / a tub for you, a shower for me. // I'll bring you fresh mint for your lips, / a wineskin filled with Beaujolais. / I'll French kiss sweetness on your tongue. / I'll build a fire in the fireplace. // I’ll be the tinder that kindles the flame"

Those are really good, but the title reference is a metaphor I don't follow.

Good poem, though. I gave it four stars.