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Life
It's dark and it's lonely
living in this world
And I cannot see through
all the pain in this girl.
I tried to be patient;
I tried to be true,
But still I find that I have feelings for you.
I go through the motions
of living a life,
But I am not living
when I play with knives.
I thought I'd have you
and that you wanted me
But it is companions that you want to be.
So I am alone,
it's no stranger to me,
I understand you
and the way that you see.
But if I had my way,
I'd have never been born,
I'd just wait and watch the world as it mourns.
-- Psaryce (1987)
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 17 years agoI like that you are really thinking about constructing the poem. This is evident in your application of consistent structure. The thing that is more important than structure, though, is how to get your ideas across in ways that suit the message and say those ideas in ways that haven't been said dozens or thousands of times before. "wish I'd never been born" for instance, is lacking the shock value that the idea, when taken literally, has. It lacks shock value because almost any teenager has said this once or several times a day even. Find new ways to say these important things and THEN worry about structure. Thank you for inviting feedback. I hope to see you keep writing and growing with us here. Noone here is at the end of the journey, and the more we strive the better we get.
