- Erotic Poetry
- Losing All Control
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Click hereThose snapshots I see every moment I dare to let my mind wander
Overtaking my thoughts
-
My back against the wall
Held between your well practiced arms
Your fingertips running down my hips
Your perfect lips exploring my skin
Fumbling for the keys, every moment precious
Our bodies moving together
Frantic and without thought
Every move we make, every sound that leaves our lips
Involuntary
My hands sliding through your hair
I need you close
You need me closer
The door finally bangs open and we fall in
The bedroom is too far
Clothes are ripping
You lift me to the counter
You're as ready as I am
And a gasp from two pairs of lips
We're caught in a lover's knot
We lose all control
No logic
No thoughts
The fire starts to spread
Shooting from my core to my limbs
Your electricity sparks
We melt together
Not yet close enough
Not yet hard enough
Not yet fast enough
Impossible
Lips on your chest
Leaving my signature for tomorrow
Hands grasping
Legs flexing
Breath ragged
I scream and hear my name called out just as loudly
I could swear the floor is shaking
-
And I'm pulled back to real life
My imagination only real enough to make every minute longer
Until I can see you again
- COMMENTS
Mia Mooreabout 13 years agoThe first thing I wold say is, keep writing, You will get better with each poem. Next, avoid personal assessments like "perfect" as in perfect lips. also, well-practiced arms is an odd phrase, practiced in what respect? Most of the rest is cliche. Examples listed below. try to be original, think outside the so-called box.
*fingertips running down my hips
*lips exploring my skin
*close enough
hard enough
fast enough
This reads more like part of a story than a poem.
I have no trouble believing it is your first, any experienced poet would recognize this as a submission from a beginner, but that isn't a bad thing. Everyone has to start somewhere. It is just better to hear the truth than to be pumped up by someone who is a marginal poet him/her self.
buttersabout 13 years agoif so, well done. you have a couple of more interesting phrases like 'caught in a lover's knot' and 'I need you close/You need me closer', but for the most part this reads fairly standard a-b description. it's not that what you write is bad, but it lacks a poetic touch. that is something that you will gain with practice and experience should you wish to persevere. i think you should. you tell us clearly enough what's happening, there's no ambiguity, but there's also nothing new/different/rich enough about the how you're saying this to keep my attention. it's that age old case of 'ok, this is what you want to say, now you have to work out how you want to say it'.
good luck and please do carry on!
