- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Mode Of Existence: Twilight
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Click hereWithin the mind I have
A mechanism installed
Which tells me when to open my lips
And when to keep shut
Tall chimneys do I see
Spewing forth the nauseous gases of
affluent dyspepsia
Machines too
Grinding out the marrow of men
to them enslaved
Neon flashes
Anginal spasms in the dark of night
High-rise condominiums rising fast
Under the hands of those that build
Pant, furnish, furbish, and take
Their weary paths to solitary beds
In lightless hovels with leaking roofs
Eyes lifeless, groping in the feeble glow
Of asthmatic candles for the mornings leftovers
All this I see and note
And then
Sing praises of an industrial progress
Job opportunities, increase in GNP
Growth in per capita incomes
Greater buying power for all
To find my own real income has shrunk
All this I note, and with you too
I wax eloquent on love
Fidelity, beauty yours
While that sacred mechanism in my mind
Is ever busy tuning me to facts
That help me sell myself
By half-truths I’ve been taught to live
This though I know
To you will not say
It’s not good copy and I’m an advertising man
- COMMENTS
amansabout 20 years agoYou do order your words unconventionally at times, but I think that's what makes you different, and also recognizeable.
As to you not telling . . . you told. Forget all that you have been taught and live by what you know and believe. Whole truth.
Anonymousabout 20 years agoI don't know... I love your descriptive word choices, but I'm not crazy about the ordering of your words. Two suggestions: remove unecessary words (as these don't add much to a poem-- they're just filler) and make your phrases less awkward (I had to concentrate awfully hard to get past your phrasing). Over all, I see potential with this poem. Consider doing a re-write and see what happens.
Maria2394about 20 years agohere of how not to phrase a sentence, its just my opinion of course, but...
"tall chimneys do I see" and several other similar phrases just makes this poem weak , while filled with clever images, it just doesnt **do it** for me,unlike some of your earlier postings which did
maybe try rephrasing, changing some words, it just sounds so mechanical, now if thats what you were going for, its a 10---
