- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Moon Scars at Saccarappa Falls
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Factories mock in sin the path where
the brave chased salmon upstream,
fish climbing rock falls where
brick now crumbles under
flowers and spring milk moon.
The corn planting stalks soon cut
for great armies that walked the seas,
fires burning their huts into stone.
Blood legends still dance in the flames,
for the smoke to scar the moon.
- COMMENTS
DeepAsleepover 19 years agoI don't have to tell you how much I like your poetry - I've already done it.
I don't know if it's because the poem's so short, but I can see the whole progression of destruction in time-lapse, in my head, right behind the words.
Excellent, JD.
~D.A.
BlueskyBeautyover 19 years agoi had to read it through a couple times..stunning choice of words..you made me work hard for understanding..reminds me of eve.
when i have a moment i'll going to send you write you in regards to your comment about my poem..i do appreciate your insight. ty!
PatCarringtonover 19 years agoi would have broken some lines and stanzas differently / but it would not have been an improvement on this / words are carefully chosen, and eye-opening /
twelveooneover 19 years agoI don't think I've ever seen two better opening lines
"Factories mock in sin the path where
the brave chased salmon upstream,"
and I did notice this before I read your comment, the clash of the opening and the end is incredible - Factories - burning huts
"fires burning their huts into stone.
Blood legends still dance in the flames,
for the smoke to scar the moon."
this more of a question, would you consider moving this, this seems out of time sequence (this is how it is now?)
"fish climbing rock falls where
brick now crumbles under
flowers and spring milk moon."
one more question, you use "into" instead of "to" why?
"fires burning their huts into stone."
the student asks the master
