My Darkness

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Understanding is what is needed
Compassion is what I desire
Try to understand what it is like for those like me
We have constant fear of strangers, of unknown places
We have constant fear of being alone
We have constant fear of being intimate
He took away our sexual desire, like the common thief he was
And left us with emptiness and pain
Now we wear our pain like a cloak, protecting us from the elements
A shield to protect us from hurt
We appear to trust but don’t trust entirely
We watch from the sidelines, shadows in the dark
Please do not pity us
It makes us feel more ashamed
It makes us feel more dirty
We keep our pain and suffering to ourselves
We know it wasn’t our doing but feel shame nonetheless
Pity keeps us from overcoming
Pity causes us to keep it inside
The anger, resentment and hurt
Our emotions are jumbled and sometimes overwhelming
We are uncomfortable in situations that remind us of what happened
A single word or glance will spark a hidden memory
If I’m alive, it’s because I am strong
I’m constantly reminding myself of that
I try to fit in, try to hide the scars and pain
Most of the time I only feel as though I’m on the outside looking in
Darkness is a comfort to me
I have been told I’m pretty
I do not feel pretty
He has blinded me to where all I see is ugliness that’s around me
My world of light changed to a world of darkness
Perhaps this was meant to be
Before I would not give anyone a second thought if they weren’t in my ‘class’
Judging people by the way they looked or how much money they or their family had
Now, I have learned that beauty is inside
And class has nothing to do with money or social position
My world of darkness has become beautiful
I think myself weak, wondering what it was I did wrong
I wore overalls and my hair under a hat, how did that target me
I was minding my own business, then suddenly he was there
He took away my life just as surely as if he had killed my body
I have to remind myself it wasn’t my fault
Even though he kept saying I wanted it
Did I ask for it in some way
Could I have fought back and lived, even with that knife at my throat
Even with him hitting me, breaking bones, cutting me
I had thought he was my friend
We had talked for hours and I trusted him
Would a stranger be that much easier
No trust would have been broken
Would I feel less dirty if I never knew him
Why did I wait so long to tell someone
Why did I feel the need to clean up the mess after I could find the strength to move
Why did I take a shower, scrubbing every area of me almost raw
I knew I should have not taken that shower
I knew that when I did tell anyone it would be my word against his
Why did I feel so guilty
Why did I want to kill myself
I don’t know if I’m lucky or not
I now have a child that I never planned
A child that is a constant reminder
A child I could not abandon
A light in my world of darkness
A gift from God to ease my pain
A special surprise is what I tell her she is
I was so afraid when I found out about her
I was so afraid she would look like him
My life has become harder
I have grown up so fast
While most of my friends were going to parties and dances
I was going to birthing classes
While most everyone remembers their eighteenth birthday as one of celebration
I remember mine with pain and shame
The scars on my body will heal with time
The scars on my soul will live my entire lifetime
It’s time I started to heal
This is my darkness

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