My Secret Sin

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46 words
4
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Noira
Noira
18 Followers

Here exposed, lies my sin
The secret thoughts I have within
Possession, fear,
The pain, sincere,
The lucid screams and rosy skin
The crimson cheeks of her chagrin
Orgasmic stains,
Rattling chains,
The wicked quirk of my dark grin
As I indulge in secret sin

Noira
Noira
18 Followers
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6 Comments
KobaKobaabout 13 years ago

Well done! Thank you for sharing your secret! I felt a little like a voyeur and I enjoy that feeling! Good writing!

tigerjentigerjenabout 13 years ago

Another one that made me squirm in my seat....but in a good way ;)

Well done!

buttersbuttersabout 13 years ago
hello :)

not seen your poems before, noira, but thanks to espie consider us introduced :)

i didn't find any trouble with the 4,4/2,2/4,4/2,2/4,4 rhythm, and the rhyme scheme came easily enough, enhanced by your nifty use of assonance and consonance.

i'd take a good look at the punctuation you've employed in places - i was left feeling something was missing in some instances and, in others, the punctuation was unnecessary.

fave lines?

The crimson cheeks of her chagrin

The wicked quirk of my dark grin

UnderYourSpellUnderYourSpellabout 13 years ago
~

I think it would have worked better if each line had had the same metrical length, I found myself stopping and starting as I tripped over the different metres. Good try though and hope to see you submit more

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