Night Journey - Looking for Love

I lay in my bed - "our" bed
You're downstairs
Pretending to work
or "working" the Lie
Pretending to grade papers
for "the students";

or trying to make some grade
with another woman
or to teach her how to
open up her intimate world and cunt to you
oops.... but I leap ahead.
My anger propels me.


Where am I?
Loss love slivers of anguish
cleave their way through my body
as I lie there... in "our" bed

Feeling the mess
the mess of my heart
I auger down.

Layers of Pretense
Layers of YOUR HIDDEN JOY
Layers of HER HIDDEN JOY
wet now
The fluid movement if SECRET LOVE
subterranean

ALL LIE - all the lies
ALL of it lies LAYERED,
INTERPENTRATING LAYERS
AS SEDIMENTS - Layers of sentiments EMESHED
LAYERS of feeling - powerful and deep.
How do I Mine these Veins?

A part of my soul leaves my body... and I watch:
Your Pen Joyous - flinging forth fragrant words
Your fingers flying across the page
pumped with the juice of the "seduction"
the loving embrace by "her" of your fantasy
a fantasy - seeded and protected -
so needed - so needed
by each?
so patiently placed in the nest of comfort
untouched - undistinguished by the REAL

"her" loving admiration - lightens and lifts - such lithe
untainted, un-weighted by "reality" bliss -
A fully lushed out fantasy of your ideal Self
Your Empowered Self
Rises like Venus - with the morning sun
Rises like Venus on the shell -
Held with Neptune's creative hand
Held - Held - Held up - by the power
The Power of "her" sublimated hope
The uplift of Hope....Hope to
"Find a Man like That";
An Ideal Man Like That:

One who's words and mind
penetrate the fabric of the Beloved's
sweetest most secret heartfelt hopes -
and draw that hope forth
Create ! Thou doth Create!
The word pictures fly forth
that touch and spark
those deepest yearnings -
union with a Beloved
to be seen at last
by the Beloved.

Cocksure Conjuring Bold Envisioning - bring forth then
- YOU -
YOU THE
VIBRANT POSSIBLITIES
and.... strum the chords of
Hope for Union in the Real World
Hope for Living Union in the World.

The vibrations radiate forth
from the soft dark of their heartfelt home -
Creation quickens Life.

Life is Touched
Life is Changed

Whose?

I drift back to my bed "our bed"....
The "Loss Love" slivers of anguish
cleave their way through my body
as I lie there - yearning for your warmth.
Wondering where "our world" went.

The wind hath fallen from the sails of "Our Life"
we ... dwindle....
left with breathing the air
of stagnant doldrums
Our Life drifts in some unnamed backwater
Occasional shivers rock our decks
a feisty fight then blasts Nordic wind.
I wonder again
Where is the warmth?

Where is the "being of our togetherness" ?
be it stagnant and dying
with the effluent of toxic subterranean well springs
rising up from so many unnamed layers....

Slipping away - gone ? not gone ?
I fall to fitful sleep.

Dec 3, 2003