Nineteen Years

I’m looking at the floor below me and at this moment your judging me, staring at me. Your eyes are cold, I can feel them bearing down on me. As you stare at me I know your picking out everything you see wrong with me, as if you were a monkey picking lice out of another monkey’s head. As I bring my head up to look back at you with my eyes, everything freezes. I look at you and then look around the room.

Nothing moves…

But even now you’re still staring at me with those cold, dark and judging eyes. Finally I stand up, a million thoughts running though my head and I scream, I scream directly in front of your face. No changes in your face, still just frozen like a statue. All I want to do it smack that look right off your face. I start to cry, my throat hurts and has become dry from screaming and yelling at the frozen figure in front of me. Tears are streaming down my face; I finally let go and bawl my eyes out. All the feelings I have inside are now coming out. I fall to my knees in front of your legs, bringing my hands up; balling them into fists I pound them into your thighs, asking why? Why didn’t you stay and love me? Why don’t you love me? You left me without a word, 19 years and no birthday cards, words of encouragement, or even a shoulder to lean on when I could have used one. Finally I stop asking knowing I wont get an answer out of you. Finally I stand up looking at you again; I turn around and walk back to my seat. Still looking at you with tears running down my face, everything unfreezes and I look at you in the eyes for the first time. And just as you did 19 years ago you get up and walk away with no words said. All I see is your back and then slowly nothing at all. Your gone from my life again and always will be. I slowly look down to the floor and just breathe slowly in and out.