Nursing the Drought

god I wanted my body to bleed,
bleed like the big girls down there,
down there where it felt so good under tight seam shorts,
hot shower stream
and bareback pony mmm yes
time to be a woman who had it all grown in
things were taking too long that sundown summer
when my first dance partner went away
away until September I ached down there
deep ache for the first time decided to take
control
cross-legged on the carpet panties off
with plastic barrette clips snapped over
stretched flesh, pinched between fingers harder
for the pain the pulse and sting I lined them
with purple bows and green butterflies perched
maybe the blood will come to follow the pain but no

next it is wooden clothespins to line and pull open
see the between legs mirror,
see what is under the next layer
maybe it comes from deeper in?
I studied the tampon box diagram
opened the paper quiet soft soft
so no one would hear my curiosity unfold
lifted my leg over the toilet one suggestion or spread my
knees and aim back towards the anus they said and what of this vagina vag-eye-na
there in the middle of my other “don’t talk about it” openings shit
blood piss I counted the three
trying to find the muscle to push out the blood
make me a woman somehow
but the fingers pressed in, the rounded end of the brush did not bring the blood
just stung like hell, no it took Michele Rosewood from across the field
feeling my breasts to see if they were soft like hers
checking for lumps like she saw in that magazine
and look is that normal how our nipples hardened under the pinch
but no milk came out no matter how we tried
I knew it was no use I was not a woman yet
but still it was that day down her basement the blood came
she shrugged her shoulders
got me a pad
said you should go get new underwear
I waited for Mom
to go out to hang the laundry
so I could confess to her in private what happened,
my face still burning with shame
when I went to bed early not sure which way a bleeding woman
was supposed to sleep I laid on my back
hands cradling my belly
wondering if there was a baby in there now
how would I feed it without any milk