tagNon-Erotic PoetryOde to the shitter (a tavvy tale)

Ode to the shitter (a tavvy tale)


There we were chilling out
When from the barman came a shout
This here pig headed lout
Drag him across the tiles and grout
Get him out
Throwing a glass at the staff is a sin
So we had to get up and educate him
Letting the newbie and Jim Have some fun
I stepped back tense ready to run
If they needed help when it begun
Growling and scowling this guy was pissed
For he was on the cut off from drinks list
The newbie said "now my friend it's time to go"
Piped up Jim, "move it cunt you're going to slow"
Growling again he piffed another glass
Said to the newbie "kiss my arse"
Jim now happy as a pig in shit
For this response interjects the physical bit
Not to be told to kiss this guy's arse
Jim responds with wit charm and class
"fuck you cunt, time for you to go
I think you're fucking deaf you're still moving to slow"
Naturally he was all charmed and flattered
Thoughts of avoiding violence now shattered
He shoved the newbie hard in the chest
Leaving the removal to Jim and I, the best
An arm each we managed to grab
This guy was thick set and built like a slab
A professional snowboarder some did say
Didn't matter to Jim and I that day
He lifted his legs before we got to the door
Stupid fuck, we dropped him on the floor
My heavy frame kneeling and pressing on his chest
Jim crossed up his throat until unconscious he did rest
Jim, unbelieving thinking it was jest
Slapped him in the face while I got off of his chest
Then, quick as a spritely jack rabbit
In ran our doorman, an ankle he did grab-it
Dragging him by his ankle out the front door
Stupid fuck rolls over, scraping his face on the floor
This my fine trendsetters is where things get funny and odd
So stick with me a moment before you shrink back and whisper "Oh God"
The man was removed and the violence was saited
So there we all stood we stood and we waited
What happens next still beggar's belief
The man dropped his trousers and mooned us, good grief
A simple mooning, a man's pale arse
I can hear you thinking that won't make me gasp

Then lickety split
With a grunt he did SHIT!

I swear to you that all of this is true
It was a long liquid stream tinged brown and blue
It shot at least a metre from his hairy ring
None of us knew what to think of that kind of thing
Jim made a move as if to attack
A two-step kick put deep in his crack
But what if you fall over and it gets on your back?
So I stepped in and grabbed Jim
I had to calm and settle him
Last thing I need at this time of night
To roll around in shit, not my idea of delight
He pulled up his jeans with a satisfied grunt
Slammed home the latch on his belt with a shunt
Then in front of our very eyes
A ravishing woman, in a minni skirt exposing her thighs
Came over to the man we dubbed the shitter
Took hold of his arse and left with a titter
Well fuck that noise I do say
Jim pissed himself laughing, we really earned our pay
We left the doorman out the front with it
Came back later he was telling everyone it was shit
What would you have done if that was you?
I mean who shits and people with liquid poo?

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