- Non-Erotic Poetry
- One Day Shy of Full
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Click hereThe moon just rose over the treetops
Overlarge and clear this cold evening
Orange yellow in the darkening sky
It's beautiful, almost round, but not full
In fact, it is just one day shy
My head fills with thoughts of my ladies
You can truly love more than one
No matter what is sung in the songs
I am proof of that, as I do
But each love will detract from the other
Even if only a little
I romantically thought that it wouldn't
The problem is one of completeness
- COMMENTS
Ashesh9about 10 years ago& yes the romance of the moon .....roundness ......ladies ---there's a pre-historic , poetic connexion in the human neo cortex : 5-ed !
Oldbear63about 10 years agoAuthorI appreciate your comments and do not disagree... I had a lot of problems with the transition from the moon to my ladies, almost made two separate poems and maybe I should have. The sight of the imperfect moon did actually inspire the thoughts about my love life and I wanted to bring them together. I may let this one stew a bit and try it again. Maybe intersperse the moon with my thoughts, although that is a device that I seem to lean on too much.
tazz317about 10 years agothe sharing of emotion should be as well. TK U MLJ LV NV
Cleardaynowabout 10 years agoThe ideas and integrity shine through but I feel that the expression is weaker.
The first four lines are nice about the moon. However, possibly partly because the moon is a common theme in poems, they do not take you effectively into the mind of the protagonist. Consequently, the switch to the thoughts about personal situation is awkward and abrupt.
The ideas and progression of ideas here more than carry a good poem but I do not see or hear any flow. Now I cannot define what constitutes a valid or good flow – possibly the elite on the site can. Long and short syllables, assonance, consonance, alliteration and rhyme all can contribute in terms of sound – but as to how these are best strung together – well... So, for me it goes on feeling and I do not feel that the last nine lines here have it. Possibly this is one you could rework – like I said, the ideas and sentiment are very strong.
