Pain

What is Pain? I don't feel pain anymore I have grown numb to pain, Not just cause I cut but cause I have had pain in my life ever sceen I was 5years old. My Mom and Dad always fighting, always yelling, always throwing things. Then when I was 8years old was when my cuz started sexual molasting me until I was 19 years old. When I final told my family about it. Some of my family is still mad at me about it but in the end we are still family. I love them but I hope one day they will talk to me again. I wish i could feel the pain.I want to some days more then other days.I felt pain four time in my whole life. The frist time was when I lost my grandma in 1997. The second time was when I lost my grandma in june 06,05. The third time was when I lost the love of my life. The four time was this year when I losted my twins(the pain of losing kids hurts so bad). I don't feel pain anymore. I numd to it. I put up walls so I don't feel the pain. When I cut I feel no pain. I liked at one point in my life feeling pain that I gave myself. It made me feel good but now I'm numb to it. There are days that I want to cut so I do feel pain but I don't do it. I don't know why. I think it's cause someone had once told me that i could find other was to take care of it. And I didn't need to do it. do to the facted I don't feel pain I have be come a diffent person. I hope that one person that I gave the most pain to well just for give me and for get me. I dont want to give anyone else pain cause of me. I know one day the pain will come back to me but until then I'm numb to it. Pain what is pain?