Pain

                    ·° ¤Pain
(another day)
(a bad day)
learning hurts
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assignment/'suggestion',
from my friend,
'SunMonkey'

I am to look inside for light.
The light I see now,
 is not so bright.
Its shaded...
Hooded.
Covered in feeling.
Is the feeling the light?
That which tells me to cry?
The tight thing that I want to kill.
Strangle IT.
The way it kills me inside.

I see no fucking light.

I see WANT.
I feel Want.
I want that which is the light to me.
Something I feel that-
damnit,
I desperately,
feel for,
NEED.
And the light that I sometimes see, feel,
flows as on a wheel.
Goes around.
Does not stay in one place to easily be found.

I see want.
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What I feel is black and red.
What I taste is the drip of things bled.
What I hear is steel 'tween my ribs.
What I see, black in my head.
Lady HELP!
Again desperate this dark elf!
Lady,
help.
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What I feel, is alone.
Regardless of my wishes,
I remain mind and spirit.
Bound to my own flesh and bone.
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Now I cry myself to sleep
Lie down quiet
and let the tears seep
What am I from this to gain?
I know.
Learn to walk through pain.
As if I were not already covered in stains.
35 years of foolishness mine own to blame.
To point at any other
would only deepen the shame.
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I play in pain odd witch games.
Manipulating words in hope of gain.
Rhymes of threes.
Sometimes more.
Sometimes less than these.
Whatever satifies MY needs.

I know.
I do this for me most selfishly.
How else can it be?
For the other freaks?
Dweebs
Geeks.

I guess my brethren are all like me.
The hurt.
 The same.
Others without reason they seek to blame.

Stupidly replay,
over and over,
the same stupid games.
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visions of things
they pass
and one stands out
a blessing
a symbol
a thing of beauty
small memory of my dream
Stone and Sea.
the unmovable rock
struck by unstoppable sea
I feel-touch-taste-smell-see this,
in me.

for a moment again
 part of eternity
part of a storm
riding it
somehow
safely.

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I  said I know all about fear.
Thats not all true.
I still have much to learn.
It hides.
Bides its time.
And can slip,
like a broken gear.
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Lord and Lady hear my plea
what is this life to such as thee?
Gods of darkness, Lords of light
You who both do share the day and night.
What is this to me?
Why is it that I cannot see?
WHAT is it that I cannot see?
Why is this that cannot be?
Why her that I wish for me?
Such a one might kill one like me.

So life,
it does go on.

For one more moment,
from my fantasy,
I'm torn.

I have words that scream to be let out.
Have a sudden urge to rant and shout.
The fires black begin again  to glower
I feel that which I thought was over.

The shadows laugh at such as me.
Wonder what is joy in it that they see?
To suck me,
slowly,
into the darkness deep.
And I unwilling to see reality.

It sneaks up on me.
I look at it in plain sight and cannot see.
Denying all the while.
Fantasies unnecesarily begin to pile.

Lord and Lady hear my plea,
what is my life to such as thee?
Gods of darkness, Lords of light
You who both do share the day and night
Why is it that I return always to my disease?
Why this insanity?
Why her that I want for me?

Life,
 it does go on.

I again,
for a moment,

torn.
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light and darkness is the way.

there where the shadows play.
there where Lord and Lady watch
as fools we play.

10,000 shades of gray.
every one a shade of fate.

would you choose to stay that way?
enternally dance in shades of gray?

wings of dreams
seem so sweet...

is that the place
where you I'll meet?

faster does my heart begin to beat

where and when
my princess will I meet?

but demons hide in the seams

'tween shades of reality

all this and more I see

10,000 shades
of my gray dreams...

sometimes a wonders plain to see.
sometimes I'm blind to reality.

sighs of pain
only for a time may reign.

nothing of this earth
forever lasts...

songs of birds
leaves of grass

trees and mountains
all these will pass...

life follows death of pain    

 all forever ever will change

nothing forever stays the same
 nothing forever stays the same
 nothing forever stays the same
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Whats wrong you ask?
I think, to much.
Making much work of the simplest task.
My fantasies run 'way from me.
I did for a brief time the most awesome vision see.
It might one day be.
But not this moment is this reality.
It wrings my heart more than I'd remembered as a possibility.
The painful switch from a fantasy,
 to reality.
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