- Non-Erotic Poetry
- painted wings depart
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painted wings
spread
and quicker
than
nectar’s scent
can draw
you back,
my fragile
butterfly
departs;
bereft,
these petals
round their lips
and slowly
closing,
guard
the teardrops
pooling
where
you touched
my heart.
- COMMENTS
todski28almost 10 years agoThis is the piece I meant comparative to trix's piece
todski28almost 10 years agoMore that there were really good sonic patterns hidden by the layout that I think could have been better utilized and highlighted by a different structure :-)
SpringBreezesabout 10 years agoAuthorI play with different styles, and it is interesting that this one was so difficult for you. It made me rework another one with short lines I've just written. (My husband prefers the short mosaic of images in the new one, so I'm undecided which to select from among the two styles). I appreciate your comment and the exercise of reworking my current poem was a really useful one for me to undertake.
todski28about 10 years agoI like the sentiment and the word choices you use, but I think the lay out let you down, it reads really choppy to me, it may have some added meaning to the pain of what happened, but there is a really good subtle rhyme here but it is broken by the staccato line choices. I had to read it a couple of times to get the import, but I had to force the read, if I didn't really enjoy your writing I probably would have moved onto something else, leaving no comment and no vote. there again I could just be a lazy reader :-)
