physical

this time it's
physical.

and not in a way that generates gossip,
hushed hallway hummings
of who did what with who.

this time it's that
pain
that just doesn't stop
from a hug, an advil, or a nap.

this time it's that
jarring feeling
that tells the pharmies to
fuck off.

i just want to be
normal, healthy
in that abnormal way that
i end up being
but to just do my laundry
sit through a lecture
finish my layout
without writhing, wrenching to
escape.

he said last night i was
crumpled up in pain
and he didn't know whether to let me
fight it out in sleep
or wake me and try to help

either way it's useless.
it's like a handful of pills and
a handicap parking ticket are all
anyone can offer me.