Prelude or Epilogue

Drunk on over-confidence summer nights pass in a haze of bodies entangled, sweat, new experiences forced on me with consent and taste. The morning walk home comes with reflection, some tears and a lingering smile while gazing up at the soft coloured skies. Smoke filled hair, my stomach churning with last nights drinks, skin still burning with being fucked, toyed with, enjoyed by some seeking more and more. I am floating for my uppers, floating far and wide but where will I drift off to while no one holds onto me, where to will I get lost if no one catches my safety line and spanks me merciless for being a fool? I yearn and crave, suffer and enjoy forcefully merging my inner hedonist with idealism. Strong hearted and weak-minded my thoughts drift, keep calling without words ..please..find me. Come back. I bow my head find taunting sleep and reminiscence:

Has it only been such a short period since first we encountered each other, I can hardly believe it. Your voice echoes over time, flies, is not moving away from me at all. I dream of it every night like I breathe. I sell my body and soul to the darkness you led me into over and over again to grinning demons and silent screams of torturous joy. Single days are like countless eternities. A distinctive part of me has come to need it as you foretold me when your net closed tight and tighter around me and you whispered menacingly "Come my sweet come and follow me." Yet your true devilish act was not leading me here or trapping me with your delicious taunting words, it was abandoning me in the midst of this labyrinth looking for my bared heart pounding with scare still as you carry it away careless forgotten about it in your black hands, your mind already focused on the hunt for future prey. In our darkness my existence is broken apart entirely forming a new shape - but is it solid or like vanishing smoke as I keep losing my way I cannot foretell. Meanwhile I bathe in the fires of slavery, pain, devotion and appreciation drink sweet addictive poison from the very ecstatic air around us. I thrive and let grow this something moving inside me, seek to let it take me over, let it take control where yours has been withdrawn, ice cold and without warning. I wanted to hate you for it but I was unable to move for days, shocked until I realized always I will be your creation forever eager disciple of my first shadow. You are my Master holding the strings still in your skilled hands.. I will stay your toy always before I become anyone else's, revere what you taught me I need and am able to give. I present what you claimed, can you really protest that? Who could find it wrong to persevere in what clearly was asked first, your need has not changed even if you try to hide it now. I know, you choose wisely I am your equal in the sense that I match your want even if it is forbidden. In my mind I am still yours my passion knows no boundaries. I miss you sir, you have to forgive me, I know you don't want it, yet. This one weakness that compounds all my others I hold within the empty space you left inside me, hurting yearning , needing though knowing it cannot be. I am no fool when it comes to reason, I do not blame you but I love you still. I have not gathered trust amongst my new connections here - how could I blame them - I walk insecure, failing, doing wrong unsure of how to proceed where to turn. I yank my strings and they do lead back to you. To whom could I spill my heart while also share the lust and fire of physical pleasures. Ah I know I can hear you say it, "patience my girl, patience." In exploring all thoughts you planted or uncovered inside my head and heart I have taken to give freely, to be taken without mercy, abandoned by all common sense, trying to numb my fear of staying lost. Oh if you knew how deep I have fallen! The wounds of my soul are displayed roughly on my body by hands that were not yours, laugh but it feels like blasphemy. No pain could match the loss of your voice, your will. Yet more than this unsafe urge to be broken I fear stagnation and being pushed out of this realm once more into a world that cannot accommodate my needs, cannot appreciate what I have to give. Your strong hand to brush over me like the wind from afar, stealing a view of my desperate sight - how could I not crave it still..