Premarital Protection Ballad

Premarital Protection Ballad
or The Ballad of My First Fuck or
 "Give me a Rubber, Doc"

Years back, no one ever heard of a coffee shop like Starfuckers, excuse my French
We had dinners and luncheonettes, drug stores galore where you sat on a bench
And some pimply face kid would served you a coke
Or old maid Mabel, who'd tell you a joke
Oh life was as simple as easy as spit
Provided Officer O'Shaughnessy didn't notice it
Cause spitting was damn near a felony
Farting was ok; there was no such thing as a smellony
But damn it I digress, I was talking of coffee by the cup
Back then they boiled all day till its taste sucked
They didn't know espresso from a ping-pong ball
If you'd asked for it their jaws would fall
The reason I started on this track
Comes from the temptation to look back
I swear to heaven I have to blame
That pharmacist, I won't forget his name
Oh yes, it was Dr. Fontana, that same
Son of a bitch, he deserves the blame
He set out to spoil my game
See, I had maneuvered Mary Beth into my mobile home; she was eighteen years old, as I and just as bold
The truth be told I'd heard she'd been fucked by her cousin Barry who lived over in Gary
And I was out to get some too
Meanwhile my balls were turning blue
As we'd spent the morning all alone
Kiss'en and touch'en, pretty soon there was nothing we had not done
Short of fuck'en
I had got her cloths almost all off, except her panties itty-bitty
And sucked her perky nice full size titties
Those long nipples and brown areolas
The nicest pair here in Twin City
Then with a finger nicely placed
I sought to open the vaginal gate
To Paradise or to Hell where in lay my fate
For the chance to achieve manhood with that little date
At the time it all seemed really great
Though my balls had turned blue
In a bad state

Getting back to Mary Beth, I fingered her under her panties
And pressed my luck to enter her gantry
When she asked, that smart ass, "got a rubber hon, if you ain't you ain't gon'na fuck me son

So I left her there with a glass of gin, the radio playing and I ran in
To the drug store, where they all knew me for years
That was before I'd go the Barneys for beers
Doc Fontana was stand'en there, selling some ripe gal a box of Kotex
Then he turned to me,
"What your pretext?"
"A box of rubbers Doc," I whispered
"What say, son," he was a bit deaf
"Rubbers doc," "What say," as he cupped his ear
"A box of Trojans, a box of Sheiks, any condoms of which they speak"
"Now I get it," the Doc said, he looked down for a while and then he said
'Ah sonny, I'd rather not sell you such gear, but
We'll still be friends, do not fear"
"Now listen Fontana, I am urgently in need," at this point I began to plead
"Give me them with speed
I don't care if you call it a condom or a rubber, a scumbag or glove
 I am desperately try'en to make some love
And the cock is ticking,
I mean the clock is pricking
Goddamn it
I got a girl to fuck and your screw'en up my luck"
"If you ask father Murphy, know what he'd say?
That procreation is holy and planned, but birth control is banned"
"I'd ask the Father what he'd say, but he is busy fucking Sister Ray"
But I knew, a little about what he preferred
What gave him the most joy?
Was to suck Father Frank's cock
Before seven o'clock
And then ring the bell for mass
So let this bullshit pass!

"Now give me a box of rubbers or I'll call a cop, not a priest saying mass
I want to get laid and I don't need any sass
It's not yours to pass
Judgment," so finally after all the shouting died down
And by now everyone in the town
Knew of my request
And the situation behind this bequest,
Doc Fontana handed me three foil wrapped condoms without jubilation
I ran out the door, past the bus station
Up Maple Street, down the Strand
Where stood my little motor home grand
There in the door stoop sat Mary Beth
Smoking a cigarette yes, she had a blanket round her shoulder
I grabbed her up to lightly hold her
The gin had kept the mood still hot
I dove us into bed and sought that spot
And now she yielded up her prize
I took her rapid on the fly
Hardly had I rolled the condom on
And pressed it home upon my boner
Then I threaded it with a few corrections, not all alone-r
To tell the truth she guided the entrance
Before I knew it, I'd shot my load
It was the first time as I've told
And to my chagrin the condom broke
I'm not kidding, it was no joke
It must'a broke on my first poke
Sometimes you need real luck
To pull off a fuck
But when that condom breaks
It is a bad mistake
And you got'a wonder
For a month your fate
If a gal is pregnant or missed or is late
Anyway, that's the story of my first fuck,
Turned out to be a dumb fools luck
 
So if ya come into town, here at Twin City
You'll find me at
The Rexal Pharmacy on the square
Sure time has passed and I'm a damn site older
Doc retired a few years back you see
Sent me to Smithson to learn pharmacy
We ain't got no coffee bar or soda fountain no more
There's Starfuckers across the street, just go out the door
There you can get espresso or some shity bun to eat
Buy a paper or use the WiFi
Sit on you ass in the sofa naugahyde
But as for me, life has turned out to be grander
For me and Mary Beth Fontana