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Click here*Tavvy is slang for tavern t hese tales are exerts from my tenure as a bouncer
We are at the Tavvy again
Friday night, normal and plain
Music loud, club is pumping
On my leg a woman is thumping
She tugged on my leg and shouted to me,
"There's a bitch on the dance floor you need to see"
Stepping down from the viewing block
Slipped a little, had to grab her frock
She grabbed my arm to steady me
The slippery floors dangerous as can be,
I asked the lady "what the hell is the matter?"
Thinking some face I'd have to splatter.
Her response took me by surprise,
A woman was wanking men on the dance floor,
surely she lies?
To my utter amazement and shock
In the middle of the crowded flock
Took me a moment, to take stock
A skinny woman had a handful of cock
There wasn't a manual to prepare for this
She was living in vouyeristic bliss
A crowd of men lined up for a turn
She didn't mind, not a one she would spurn
I forced my way into the crowded group
Before it got ugly and went to poop
Didn't think to call another
Wish I had, to get their cover.
A lady, whose date was part of the group
had un-notched his belt from its loop
she started screaming "you stupid slut"
I had to get her out, before she got cut
I pushed and managed to barge my way in
back handed a guy under the chin
His staggering back, cleared the way
I wasn't interested in what she would say
this dick groping woman was really drunk
alcohol smell bad, she was like a skunk
A lot of women were screaming for blood,
this lady had touched their manly stud.
I grabbed the slapper by her long hair
Dragged her to the door, with a glare
we were close to the door, about to get free
When we slipped in a puddle, she fell on me
The other lady who was shouting and screaming
Hit the cock fondling woman, she started bleeding
I managed to get to my feet
Had to pick her up before she got beat
Got her out front and laid her down
That's when I noticed her bleeding crown
The crazy woman had hit her with a stiletto
A man behind me screamed in falsetto
The shoe was lodged, stuck tight in her head
She was barely breathing I thought she was dead
Called an ambulance as fast as we could
Other guards stood round like a fence of wood
I held a compression bandage to her head
I checked her pulse in case her life had fled
The paramedics got there timely and quick
That should teach her for playing with dick
They took her away that fateful night
But take a moment to reflect on her plight
Let this be a lesson to all of you
So you don't get nailed with a high heel shoe
Authors note
*Slapper is Australian slang for a sexually promiscuous woman
not a good one, regarding rhyme
suggest reading Robert Service, you Aussies had a several similar writers, but the names escape me, and Damn, if you tossed out more than is here, you are heading in the right direction.
Here is something to consider, what is the point of this, write to that, with enough asides or misdirections to avoid the straight drive though,
this time I voted, 5 for the edit and the reason
To 1201
This is a massive edit compared to what it was. I tried to pull as much unnecessary stuff out of it as I could. Have you ever had an idea on how something should be? For some reason I just see this as necessary to make my Tavvy Tales series work, otherwise they end up short stories. I'm hoping the strength of the content wins out over the penchant for hating rhyming couplets, I am trying to look into meter and rhyme to see if I can make these better that way. I enjoy erectus's face fuck book series which is what put the whole idea into my head.
To Angeline and Desejo, the title was supposed to be "the woman from wristies beach", however it didn't fit into the title space, so being in a rush I simply typed in the first thing that popped into my head, also the reason for the double space.
To Ashesh and Erectus, if not for you two I would have left weeks ago so thanks for the support and encouragement.
: Well done Sir ! & congrats to your Ashton Agar for his spectacular Debut !!
for the rhyme scheme here, at first it looks like a welcome variance and then haphazard and then the dread return, I ask because lines look forced into the rhyme.
Didn't vote, you look like you are writing more than editing, even these things have to be thought through.
You have tales to tell and you tell with with great style. Your words enabled me to see this whole series of events play out. And you rhymed stiletto with falsetto which impressed the hell out of me lol.
The double-spacing I found problematic. When you copy your poem into the submissions box, check the preview poem box to ensure it looks exactly the way you want.
I find myself again in agreement with Desejo (she gives good critique) about the title and not giving the surprise away in it. Something like "Tavvy Tale" (maybe with a number added if you're going to write more of them) would work better. Your readers will know from the context of the poem what a Tavvy is.
As to the note at the bottom, I generally try to avoid using them myself, but sometimes they really are necessary. IMHO it's not unreasonable to expect a reader to either look up a word they don't know or get the meaning from the context (something that you, as the writer, have the power to control). As for the Aussie-isms (again, thank you, Desejo), if you find yourself using a lot of what you know is dialect most readers won't get, you will have to choose between context or notes. In this poem, the only one (if it is one) that confounded me was this:
"Before it got ugly and went to poop"
I assume that means "went to hell" but "poop" may be yielding an image you really don't intend. :-D
Thanks again for this very strong poem. I don't normally like long couplet poems but your story really carries it along.