public wank (a Tavvy Tale)

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todski28
todski28
18 Followers

*Tavvy is slang for tavern
t hese tales are exerts from my tenure as a bouncer

We are at the Tavvy again

Friday night, normal and plain

Music loud, club is pumping

On my leg a woman is thumping

She tugged on my leg and shouted to me,

"There's a bitch on the dance floor you need to see"

Stepping down from the viewing block

Slipped a little, had to grab her frock

She grabbed my arm to steady me

The slippery floors dangerous as can be,

I asked the lady "what the hell is the matter?"

Thinking some face I'd have to splatter.

Her response took me by surprise,

A woman was wanking men on the dance floor,

surely she lies?

To my utter amazement and shock

In the middle of the crowded flock

Took me a moment, to take stock

A skinny woman had a handful of cock

There wasn't a manual to prepare for this

She was living in vouyeristic bliss

A crowd of men lined up for a turn

She didn't mind, not a one she would spurn

I forced my way into the crowded group

Before it got ugly and went to poop

Didn't think to call another

Wish I had, to get their cover.

A lady, whose date was part of the group

had un-notched his belt from its loop

she started screaming "you stupid slut"

I had to get her out, before she got cut

I pushed and managed to barge my way in

back handed a guy under the chin

His staggering back, cleared the way

I wasn't interested in what she would say

this dick groping woman was really drunk

alcohol smell bad, she was like a skunk

A lot of women were screaming for blood,

this lady had touched their manly stud.

I grabbed the slapper by her long hair

Dragged her to the door, with a glare

we were close to the door, about to get free

When we slipped in a puddle, she fell on me

The other lady who was shouting and screaming

Hit the cock fondling woman, she started bleeding

I managed to get to my feet

Had to pick her up before she got beat

Got her out front and laid her down

That's when I noticed her bleeding crown

The crazy woman had hit her with a stiletto

A man behind me screamed in falsetto

The shoe was lodged, stuck tight in her head

She was barely breathing I thought she was dead

Called an ambulance as fast as we could

Other guards stood round like a fence of wood

I held a compression bandage to her head

I checked her pulse in case her life had fled

The paramedics got there timely and quick

That should teach her for playing with dick

They took her away that fateful night

But take a moment to reflect on her plight

Let this be a lesson to all of you

So you don't get nailed with a high heel shoe

Authors note
*Slapper is Australian slang for a sexually promiscuous woman

todski28
todski28
18 Followers
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twelveoonetwelveoonealmost 11 years ago
ok, reason accepted

not a good one, regarding rhyme

suggest reading Robert Service, you Aussies had a several similar writers, but the names escape me, and Damn, if you tossed out more than is here, you are heading in the right direction.

Here is something to consider, what is the point of this, write to that, with enough asides or misdirections to avoid the straight drive though,

this time I voted, 5 for the edit and the reason

todski28todski28almost 11 years agoAuthor
Definitely a true story

To 1201

This is a massive edit compared to what it was. I tried to pull as much unnecessary stuff out of it as I could. Have you ever had an idea on how something should be? For some reason I just see this as necessary to make my Tavvy Tales series work, otherwise they end up short stories. I'm hoping the strength of the content wins out over the penchant for hating rhyming couplets, I am trying to look into meter and rhyme to see if I can make these better that way. I enjoy erectus's face fuck book series which is what put the whole idea into my head.

To Angeline and Desejo, the title was supposed to be "the woman from wristies beach", however it didn't fit into the title space, so being in a rush I simply typed in the first thing that popped into my head, also the reason for the double space.

To Ashesh and Erectus, if not for you two I would have left weeks ago so thanks for the support and encouragement.

Ashesh9Ashesh9almost 11 years ago
I second Erectus

: Well done Sir ! & congrats to your Ashton Agar for his spectacular Debut !!

twelveoonetwelveoonealmost 11 years ago
I would really like to hear the reason

for the rhyme scheme here, at first it looks like a welcome variance and then haphazard and then the dread return, I ask because lines look forced into the rhyme.

Didn't vote, you look like you are writing more than editing, even these things have to be thought through.

AngelineAngelinealmost 11 years ago
Holy crap is that a true story?!

You have tales to tell and you tell with with great style. Your words enabled me to see this whole series of events play out. And you rhymed stiletto with falsetto which impressed the hell out of me lol.

The double-spacing I found problematic. When you copy your poem into the submissions box, check the preview poem box to ensure it looks exactly the way you want.

I find myself again in agreement with Desejo (she gives good critique) about the title and not giving the surprise away in it. Something like "Tavvy Tale" (maybe with a number added if you're going to write more of them) would work better. Your readers will know from the context of the poem what a Tavvy is.

As to the note at the bottom, I generally try to avoid using them myself, but sometimes they really are necessary. IMHO it's not unreasonable to expect a reader to either look up a word they don't know or get the meaning from the context (something that you, as the writer, have the power to control). As for the Aussie-isms (again, thank you, Desejo), if you find yourself using a lot of what you know is dialect most readers won't get, you will have to choose between context or notes. In this poem, the only one (if it is one) that confounded me was this:

"Before it got ugly and went to poop"

I assume that means "went to hell" but "poop" may be yielding an image you really don't intend. :-D

Thanks again for this very strong poem. I don't normally like long couplet poems but your story really carries it along.

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