Reading Assignment

I read the New York Times
The Onion and The Press,
deciding what to wear
Levi's or a dress,
what color make-up
to paint on my face
my drab underwear
or fancy frilly lace,

Make my decision
head to the bar
just down the street
not very far,
drink a few beers
shoot a little pool
go home with a guy
and his hard eager tool,

We do the usual things
in the usual way
he seems quite pleased
he got his way,
I read the New York Times
The Onion and The Press
what was his name?
I can only guess ...