Reiner

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pelegrino
pelegrino
11 Followers

LEMONIA (F)LEAP EDELTRAUD => BIG SOUTH WEATHER no.3 =>> RENAULT MEGANE

CAFÉ BOCCA
EVENING
16/3/2013

REINER

Reiner still remembers us quite well,
He says, "How is your German pretty girl?"
I say to him, we're split but we stayed friends,
We have a son and thus we make amends.

Our case is a common trivial case,
Although it distorts sometimes my face,
So many Greeks in love with German girls,
Statistics to confuse our brain cells.

So many children born without a dad,
That was your own decision and was mad,
That madness, ever since, you call your life,
Of course you can blame me for any strife.

Reiner gives me the keys and says "goodnight",
Old German fox he is, with clear sight,
He sees a man unhappy in his trip,
Clumsily trying appearances to keep.

pelegrino
pelegrino
11 Followers
  • COMMENTS
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4 Comments
UnderYourSpellUnderYourSpellalmost 10 years ago
~

I agree quite a few forced rhymes although some would sound better if words were changed around i.e' Although it sometimes distorts my face', and 'He says, "How is your pretty German girl?". If I think I am putting in a forced rhyme I ask myself "Do people really talk like that?" and if the answer is no then I won't use it.

All that said the narration idea is good just needs some fine tuning!

tazz317tazz317almost 10 years ago
MEN IN UNIFORMS

still attract the genre where ever they are , TK U MLJ LV NV

twelveoonetwelveoonealmost 10 years ago
a little strained

blame me for any strife.

admission to prejudice - don't like rhyming coups - but still sounds strained, word choice comes across as too strident, giving the feel of forced rhyme.

CleardaynowCleardaynowalmost 10 years ago
Delicate and moving

I think this is lovely. The eliptic story telling gives so much more of a punch.