Restless Night

oh, what a horrible and great emptiness this is in my heart.
my restless soul, impatient for that which is to be.
i am not supposed to recognize this pain,
for it becomes acknowledgment of my ambitions,
and my selfishness.
my conceit.
what makes me believe that i deserve so much?
who told you that you shouldn't expect the same?
why do we limit ourselves?
my heart cries for those that heed standards unquestioned;
or should it cry for those who do question them,
but are powerless to resist themselves?
how alone i sometimes feel.
how bitter and impatient.
how hopeful am i in despair.
i want more, and i will reach for it.
i want life.
i want love and sharing experiences.
there are so many things that my heart beats quickly for,
all of which my mouth keeps silent,
fearing that if i voice my desires and fail in achieving satisfaction,
that the pain will be stronger than the passive pain of denial.
5:21 a.m.
a restless night
i wanted to cry
but didn't know how
and feared more that i wouldn't know how to stop.
you are out there
i lived my life in anticipatory disappointment,
compromising,
self-handicapping.
no more.
here i am,
and i want more...