Restraint

I was being punished for a crime I felt needed no punishment.
I couldn't give up, couldn't let go. The feeling of vulnerability was unknown to me.
I was strong. I was relentless. I was dominant but one day the mask fell.
Now I will remain forever chained to this wall for I have no emotions to give into.
'When you can be your true self and give your whole self to someone, you may be released'.
And so I accepted my damnation to solitude, sold my heart to keep my pride.
My wrists bound by cuffs that linked back to the wall kept me in my place.
Lengths long enough to eat, dress, and jerk off...my freedom.
Then one day you came along and saw me, a newer version of me.
I could speak to you, felt that I could trust you, longed for you.
I did all I thought I needed to in order to release myself from my Hell, yet my wrists remained bound.
You were the key to my past life, the life I so desired to return to, and so convinced myself I cared.
Days, weeks, months passed and we grew together. I got to know you and you to know me. Suddenly I found I did care.
Long talks, comfortable silences, awkward looks. I found out that I could feel.
My heart had found it's way back, slowly trading places with my pride, ounce by ounce.
Now I need you, crave your touch, know there is nothing else for me except for you...so I walk my limited length.
I reached out my arms to you, accepting you, but was stopped by the restraints, my punishment for having never cared before.
Each day I walked my length and held my arms out to you, accepting you, waiting for you to step forward and close the gap between us.
Each night I walked back my few steps to the wall with empty and tired arms.
I was accepting you! Why didn't you come to me? Why did you stand just out of reach?!
Many days I spent huddled in my corner, silent, despite your efforts to make me talk to you once more.
'...and give your whole self to someone' was all I could think. And the more I thought the more confused I got.
I've trusted you, I've cared for you, I've loved you like I have never loved before, I've accepted you, yet I am still chained to this wall. My punishment has yet to cease.
And I spent that night considering my fears, my insecurities, and plotted how I could get closer to you. If I cannot touch you, how am I going to be able to give my whole self to you?
The next morning I crawled from my corner and slowly walked my length, again held out my arms to you, and again was disappointed to find no compromise.
Instead of giving up though, as I had done before, I fought for my happiness, tugging against the cuffs, jerking the metal chains, wrestling my destiny.
Finally I gave up. My heart brimmed with hurt and I felt my pride slipping. All the emotions I fought to eliminate from my life suddenly surfaced. All but one.
I dropped my arms, ready to admit defeat, but I knew I couldn't live without you and so I forced myself to face my fears and fought, only this time I did not fight the cuffs around my wrists, I fought the wall around my heart.
Stepping forward I kept my arms behind me, finding I was able to close the distance I had longed for you to do for me.
The words began to make sense to me. By keeping you at arm's length I would never have to face my fears, never have to feel that which I was afraid of.
Standing here before you, my arms behind me, I have given up. I have given up everything I held onto so carefully for all of my life. I faced my fear and felt...
Vulnerable. Awaiting acceptance or rejection. I give you my whole self...and feel as my chains disappear.