- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Sandy Feet
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Many times,
I did enjoy
our ride home from the beach
Peter and Andrea,
in the backseat, fast asleep
They flew with seagulls,
playing pirates,
built castles by the sea,
swam and dove like dolphins
innocently carefree
Their collected treasures
tucked in pockets and in pails
laughter floating on the breeze
images etched into my soul
salty sunburned memories.
- COMMENTS
LeBrozabout 17 years agoPicking up on Eve's thoughts, I'm still not sure about excising that line in the final strophe, but I'd get rid of the final line in the 2nd strophe. "Innocently carefree," describes the previous 4 lines; it really doesn't add anything. The <I>feeling</I> of carefree innocence will be felt without calling attention to the fact. Coasting on that feeling into the final strophe better sets up the end.
WickedEveabout 17 years agoDropping these two lines could help tighten up the poem: innocently carefree/images etched into my soul
Anonymousabout 17 years agoMentioned in today's new poem reviews
Think about adding more concise detail and fresher imagery to enhance the experience for the reader.
