Self Loathing

I hate myself for what I’ve done
For what I just don’t feel
I met a girl so long ago
We began to date and things were great
But was my heart really in it
Was I just flattered

No woman had shown me any attention
For years I was on my own
Then you arrived
I fell into our relationship and stayed,
I was trapped by my laziness
The way forward unclear

We’ve been together for nearly four years
My real feelings have surfaced
Along with my real fears
My disgust is inward facing as usual
I like my wife, we married.
Was it a mistake too?

I loathe what I’ve done to this lady
Who gave her heart to me
Only to receive pain
My inner fire burns brightly right now
I’ve faced my demons at last
But did I win?

I told her I never really loved her at all
Why did we stay together
I say, “I don’t know.”
Now I hate myself more than she does
What does the future hold?
Where do I go from here?

Shame on me for what I’ve done before
For being such a foolish man
How can I change the past
There’s nothing I can do to take it back
It’s just too late for that now
So I’ll sit here and cry.

I loathe myself more each passing day
While I try to understand
Why you’re so nice.
I’d rather face you when you’re angry
Than when you are so calm
I want to die.

I try to explain, but it comes out wrong
I try again an it’s still bad
I feel like shit
If I’ve ruined your life, I'd really hate that.
I really loathe myself now
I’m sorry, I’m sorry