- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Setting Moon
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Click hereThe setting moon this morning
Low in a pale blue sky
Paused, bathed in the sunlight
Before taking her graceful leave
A white disk fading, setting
She wanted still to stay
She wanted to know the day
But she is too set in the cycles
To realize her desires
- COMMENTS
Cleardaynowalmost 10 years agoIt is good to see you extend your style and to do it so assuredly.
I agree with GM's thoughts on dropping both words.
The conceit concerning the moon 's reluctance that actually is a masked reflection of your own feelings is intriguing. I think it would have been even stronger within a slightly longer poem where it matched/contrasted with something else.
Bravo!
pelegrinoalmost 10 years agoBeautiful poem, Oldbear. Concise, musical and much to the point.
I am particularly touched by the last two lines.
No one can break out of "set cycles" even for the sake of one's own desires then?
5-ed.
Oldbear63almost 10 years agoAuthorThank you both very much for your comments:
Ash - I appreciate it - good to hear from you
Greenmountaineer - If it were a do-over I would likely keep the "still" - I just like how it sounds there, but I would loose the extra "she." Lately I have been going through all my old stuff with pruning shears, and improving them, I think. Thanks again for your interest and comments
Ashesh9almost 10 years agocome Alive in my mind'n imagination ; thanks for sharin' : high-5 ed !
greenmountaineeralmost 10 years agoThis pretty and playful. The enjambed "pale blue sky/Paused," simple though it was, made me pause and capture the image of the moon better, I think.
I'm not sure "still" adds anything to the poem, Old Bear. Something like that which might have gone unnoticed by me in a longer poem stood out in this short one where the language is concise and economical. I also think the 3rd "she" wasn't needed.
That said, there's a music to the poem, and I understand how those words may add to that, but to my ear, I still hear music without them:
"A white disk fading, setting
She wanted to stay.
She wanted to know the day
But is too set in the cycles
To realize her desires."
The alliteration of "s" in the last two lines sustains the music and gives the poem a nice smooth finish.
I enjoyed reading it.
