- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Shade
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Click here***This is my other favorite poem pls comment thank you***
Shade
There are a million shadows that live in my eyes,
They told me their stories and they cleared the skies.
From the gods that once lived in peace, they were shot
And we left them in heaven, left them to rot
And the shadows found my hand and they took it and said
"Among these people walk the people who are dead,
Can you tell the difference, my precious from the mud,
Can you find the ones who scream in their blood?"
I could taste the pain on my mouth on my lips,
The scars on our arms, little grooves, little dips
Where we've killed our souls in too many ways
With blood blurring in and covering days
And the sun that won't shine with out a razor that's near
((Oh my precious you, the one I hold so dear))
And the stars and the gold and the gems that we found
Won't look on our faces we belong to the ground
Deep down in hell with angels clipped wings
And the prettiest angel, to us it sings
A lullaby that will never let us cry, let us sleep
For the weak are the ones who cut too deep
And lose sight as the haze and vision all blur
But from the body, no soul is to stir
The shadows keep it there, trapped in pain and decay
And to the suicides, all the shadows they say:
"My precious my weak ones, I draw near
I see your body, and I know what you fear
Let me in let me in, I shout ask once more
Hell draws near now just open the door"
And I shiver, I hear them, the bells, you can too
Listen! They know too much about you
And they dance in the scars of hell rests in bliss
Death has children and no one will miss
When the belt is to good and the knife is too clean
Your life is unworthy, you secrets are sheen
My precious, My precious just let it all go
Sink down where I am, sink down below...
- COMMENTS
SweetOblivionabout 13 years agoNot wanting to be mean, I advise you to work at this, rather than slapping down the first rhyme that apparently comes into your head.
Sweet O.
Maria2394about 13 years agoOn a subsequent read, I realized that what you did is perfectly fine taken in context with the rest of the poem. Next time I will invest a few more reads before I make a comment like that. Usually that advice would be okay, but you did fine :) Again I apologize.
~ maria
Maria2394about 13 years agothe first 2 lines can and often will determine if someone continues to read or back clicks. Here is an example...the first 2 lines of this poem, you have made a mistake with your tenses that if corrected, would make your poem better.
*There are a million shadows that live in my eyes,
They told me their stories and they cleared the skies.*
You say the shadows live in your eyes, then you say they told you stories and cleared skies....
think about using active verbs, because you use an active verb, *live*, in the first line, so continue that.
There are a million shadows that live in my eyes,
They tell me their stories and they clear the skies.
active verbs seem to draw your reader in more so than past tense. I read an article where a study was done of "favorite" poems and the ones selected had a ratio of more active verbs to adjectives, gerunds or adverbs, It just makes sense. I did not back click because your work interests me, but you do have room for improvement.
Also, using different tenses like you have done just isn't good practice. I do not make a habit of rewriting people's work because someone did that to me once when all I asked for was an edit and it totally ruined the poem for me, in fact, I deleted it and never worked on it again, so beware of people that do that, it isn't professional, it isn't kind nor fair.
Keep up the good work, the practice. I look forward to reading you in the future and what your mind will bring :)
~ maria
